Parenting!

I thought I should come back and update this!

We had our baby. We had a boy. He was born at 40+4 on July 30th and he is now 7 months old.

His name is Samuel Joseph, as God said it would be. (Samuel is the 'prophet' of the blog title.)

Life is so wonderful with my little Sam-man around. I thought I might start blogging again, as a record to look back on, but honestly I am struggling to settle on something to write about.

So what has happened?

Pregnancy passed, mainly uneventfully. I grew huge. I always so longed for a bump, but when I had it, I kind of resented it. I felt so self-conscious once my pregnancy was obvious. People comment so much. I felt so peaceful, content and calm during my pregnancy; so inward focused. I wanted to hide myself away, but instead I had to go to work and interact with people who kept drawing attention to my advancing state. There were a lot of feelings I had during pregnancy and labour that I didn't acknowledge or work through, because I was so focused on surviving day to day, accepting the moment, and remaining calm and content for the well-being of the baby. (I do think my mental state during pregnancy eased his transition to the world. However, I think this would only have been improved by greater reflection during pregnancy - something I was afraid to do for fear of disturbing the balance.) I wonder whether, had I brought fears out into the light, Sam's birthing would have been easier.

What I feel he gained through my deep sense of calm throughout pregnancy, I feel he lost to my 
disconnect to the birthing process and upcoming role as parent. I was so aware of the temptation to fall into anxiety during pregnancy, given the journey to get there, that I didn't look outside of the moment. I was so afraid that I might not give birth, and that I might not parent, that I didn't accept and explore either. I couldn't believe that either would actually happen. I am so proud of the way I handled labour. I am so beyond proud at how I have adapted to motherhood (my theory through pregnancy was that I would just adjust as I needed to, and really, that has happened). I am blessed to have built a breastfeeding relationship with my son easily. I have a sense of the realness, the tangibility, the omnipresence of God that I didn't before. He is no longer something I hope for. He just is. That sense is despite the lack of time and energy I gave had to invest in my faith. In that, I feel God's mercy, His grace, His forgiveness, His understanding, His compassion, His humanity. I know that He is with me, knowing how much this journey asks of me, and, amazingly, I feel His approval - such a strong sense that I am doing OK, it isn't perfect, but it's really OK... And that's awesome.

However. As I wrote, I also feel my son lost out. He lost out because I wasn't prepared. I focused a lot on the physical reality of labour, but I neglected to address the emotional transition it brings. I neglected to prepare myself for the early days of his life. I couldn't imagine going through labour, or having a newborn, and even the day I went into labour, these changes seemed so intangible, so impossible. 

It took 4.5 days to birth Sam. When he arrived, I hadn't slept at all for two nights. I was so unprepared for bonding. I don't remember meeting him. I have a sense of him being in his little hospital fishbowl, sleeping in the same room as us but apart from us, and that makes me so sad. My son should have spent his first day in my arms. We should have focused on getting to know one another, and nothing else. We stayed in hospital for two days, to establish breastfeeding. Oh boy am I so glad we did that. And yet - while we were in hospital, I didn't sleep. By the time we came home, I was a shell. We spent two weeks going through the motions of being a family, entertaining visitor after visitor. And then, my husband went back to work, and I was terrified. I got into bed with Sam and took all our clothes off and just lay together. And I began to know my little boy.

Since then, we haven't looked back. I'm really amazed at how well we have bonded/attached (I have an attachment disorder!). Sometimes I second guess myself and wonder if I am deluding myself. And then I look at Sam and how he thrives and I hear God's voice.

I didn't look into parenting styles before we had Sam. I didn't want to build a picture of myself as a parent in my mind that I couldn't live up to. Overall I feel that was the best choice. Parenting is so hard; I had no concept of the pressure I would feel as a new parent, without adding expectations of perfection into the mix. I have tried to follow a basic rule, which suits both the hubster and myself, of listening to instinct. That has rather naturally led us down a path that might be described as 'Attachment Parenting', but that was an accident! I was actually really scornful of AP when Sam was born, which I feel rather silly about now, but I guess I felt threatened, and that if I looked into AP I would feel inadequate. I didn't actually look into AP until Sam was 4 months, and then I realised that we were practising it. 

I am still not keen on AP as a... what... concept? I have been very influenced by attachment theory in how I parent Sam. This came about through trying to give his mental health the best start in life. (I'm not sure I can help his future mental health, and I'm sure I'll screw him up with the best, but I want to give him the very best of myself that I can.) However, I'm not keen on setting rules around being a good parent and feel that such beliefs can only lead to foolishness. Humility and remaining teachable are so important.

17 Weeks and Counting...!

This week at work a student asked if I have a baby in my belly... Hands down best. moment. ever!

Mental health... Still good. Pretty amazing actually. Started to feel little movements from baby at 15 1/2 weeks, which was very unexpected as according to 'What to Expect' (my trusty pregnancy go-to book!) that is too early with first pregnancy! So a real treat!

I love being pregnant so much, and feel so blessed all the time... We've been struggling with church recently, and with decisions about our future - to move now or move later - but I am feeling a little closer to God this week which is a relief. I don't know why but I have struggled to feel close to Him while pregnant... I guess it's that thing that we need Him more in the darker times than when our prayers are answered, which isn't how it should be... Also, being pregnant - FINALLY! - has taken up 99.9% of my mental focus ;).

I seriously can't believe this worked - our treatment worked! It's a lot to adjust to! I've been living in one world for the last 5 1/2 years and now I get to inhabit a whole new one!!

15 Week Bump!

Yay!!! And belly has arrived!

Pilates... Best. thing. ever! (I bought 10 Minute Solution Prenatal Pilates and am alternating it with Erin O'Brien.) Helping my mental health loads! And apparently exercise in pregnancy makes baby smarter, labour (a little!) easier, and me less likely to get gestational diabetes... Which I am high risk for as Dad is type 1 and I have PCOS. So no downsides to exercise! Plus it's helping my back which has been a little sore... 

Generally loving life! 

(Can there be more exclamation marks in this post?!)

P.S. Telling my Grandad was AWESOME!

13 Week Bump Photos

Here I am at 13 weeks! And feeling very happy as we had our 12 week scan two days before!!

Hubby keeps commenting on how I am getting a proper bump this week! I'm sure I'll look back at this in a couple of months and think, "You had no idea!", but it is so exciting!

Had a bit of backache and stretching feelings (almost like a mini stitch) to the front this week. It's been snowing quite a bit today so I've had to be more careful on my feet than usual (not wanting to damage my precious cargo!) and hubby picked me up from work so I didn't have to walk home which was really nice.

We are going to see my Grandad and his wife tomorrow to tell him about the pregnancy. I inherit the translocation from him and he worries about it a lot, so I am really looking forward to telling him!

I've also been working out today, I bought a pregnancy workout DVD. Hoping to get in better shape for labour! I'm already feeling stiff! The DVD I went for was 'Complete Pregnancy Fitness with Erin O'Brien'. I went for it because it had really good reviews and also because the reviews said it was a tougher workout than some of the other pregnancy DVDs. I really enjoyed the workout and it definitely worked me hard so I would recommend it!

I've been looking for a doula since the 8 week scan. A doula is a professional labour companion and it was something I knew I wanted before falling pregnant. There are a good number of doulas around here. With my due date being July 26 and with many doulas having small children I found a lot are on holiday at the time I need. Luckily I managed to find three to meet up with and I've met with all of them over this past week. One of them just 'felt' right, and we were really impressed with how professional her business in, as well as by her confident air and trust in the birth process, so we have gone with her... It ended up being a pretty easy decision to make, and as booking a doula is something I have dreamed of for so long, it makes the whole pregnancy so much more real and exciting!

I also found out yesterday that one of my bestest friends is expecting a baby the day before me! Such wonderful news! We met at university; she was the first Christian my age I knew, and she's also suffered with mental health problems, so it's a really special friendship to me... She now lives in New Zealand with her Kiwi husband so I am over-the-moon to be expecting together; it makes us feel closer together. Lovely!

11 Week Bump Photo

So here I am at 11 weeks (again excuse the bra and pregnancy skin!).

Bump feels LOADS bigger this week and I can't stop stroking my belly! It's so exciting!

I have been really sick with a nasty cold which turned into sinusitis this week and feeling terrible, I do not enjoy this as I do the pregnancy symptoms even though they feel pretty similar! The GP prescribed Amoxycillin for a week (antibiotics which are safe in pregnancy) for the sinus infection. I've never had a cold last so long - usually shake them off in a couple of days, while this one hung around 6 days before even mutating into the sinuses; I've now been sick a week and a half. Apparently the immune system is reduced in pregnant women to stop our bodies rejecting the foetuses as alien objects, so I don't really mind being sick! It's amazing how our bodies work to support pregnancy; God is really the grand supreme master architect and I have been so amazed at Him in entirely new years by pregnancy.

I'm still really enjoying pregnancy; more and more every week actually! The 8 week scan did wonders!!! I do worry about every bump and twinge in my body but I think that's pretty normal for a pregnant woman... :D

9 Week Bump Photo

Excuse my terrible pregnancy skin! And pointy boobs - thanks M&S maternity bras! I bought these because my breasticles have increased 2 cup sizes and my old bras are painful and this was all M&S had in stock in a 2-pack non-wire in my size... They are super comfy and well supported BUT I do not recommend, they are cut impractically high,the seams really show through clothing, and they don't make a flattering shape.

This is the Bull bump at 9 weeks!

Week 9-10 was my most uncomfortable week yet nausea wise, which was unfortunate as it coincided with Christmas! All-in-all - I probably sound completely mad - I LOVE the early pregnancy symptoms, I've felt rubbish throughout and have relished every single symptom! (Ok, apart from the spots!)

And... I HAVE enjoyed pregnancy SO MUCH more since the scan! I finally feel pregnant! Wahoo!!!

Our Magic Little Bean at 8 Weeks

Today we had our 8 week scan. It was an internal scan and performed at the IVF clinic. I was very worried about this scan as a PGD friend, who also has a balanced translocation, had a MMC (missed miscarriage) at her 8 week scan around the time we had our positive pregnancy test. It was her fourth MC but her first PGD cycle and she had never seen a live baby at a scan. I was sick with nerves from for the month prior to the scan that the same thing would happen to us, and I didn't enjoy that time at all (that's why I didn't blog!). I completely dreaded the scan but at the same time counted down the days!!!

Having the scan was amazing. I couldn't look at the screen because I was so nervous. And then the nurse said, "There's your baby," in the softest, gentlest voice - she knew how nervous I was - and we could see the little heart beating and it was totally amazing! I had to choke back tears, it was so emotional, and afterwards we went to Sainsbury's to pick up a few bits and I was still being completely overcome by these waves of tearful relief.

I felt that God had been telling me that if the scan went well, I would be able to relax, trust Him, and enjoy being pregnant... I trust Him, so, we shall see! I do hope the next weeks are going to be much more enjoyable! I feel terrible being in a position to enjoy the blessing I've hoped for for so long and yet being unable to; I feel very broken by all this infertility and heartache.

I've also been thinking back a lot to the MC I had almost five years ago (before I met my husband, and while I was with my previous long-term boyfriend), and have been so taken aback by how much grieving I had still to do for that. I've never really allowed myself to grieve it (except for at the immediate time when I was devastated). I didn't 'want' to be pregnant, it was an accident, and I didn't acknowledge that I was pregnant until I miscarried - I hadn't even taken a test. And I knew WHY I miscarried, carrying a balanced translocation really brings a bonus in that way, so I haven't even had to wonder if I did something to cause it. A few months later I broke up with my boyfriend and met my husband, and I was glad not to have a child tying me to my ex. I then had a breakdown and tackled my mental health and I realised how very incapable I would have been as a parent. But seeing the miscarriage phlegmatically and rationally like that has stopped me from seeing the sadness of it all, and understanding how let down I feel by my body.

So there's a lot of stuff to work through, but I'm very, VERY happy!!!