Answered Prayer, OHSS, and the 2WW

So on the second day after embryo transfer (2dp5dt) my stomach swelled up like a little pregnant belly and I was diagnosed with mild OHSS following a scan and blood test at the clinic that afternoon. My ovaries had grown 1cm each since embryo transfer (from 6cm to 7cm) and a little fluid had collected on my belly.

After this the clinic phoned to monitor my belly measurements and symptoms every day for a week and a half. After about a week of this they stopped being concerned, I guess it became clear it was staying mild.

A week after embryo transfer (7dp5dt) I had a TERRIBLE night; pain like a ring of fire around my middle (front and back) which Paracetamol didn't touch and therefore no sleep. It was like the worst AF cramps ever and I spent the whole night terrified I was about to start bleeding and the cycle would be over. In the morning my ovaries were throbbing and felt really tender, and the clinic said such pain was normal with OHSS. At this point I felt VERY blessed only to have OHSS so mildly! Aside from that night, my stomach blew up and down a little bit over the days, and I had cramps in my ovaries on and off, but nothing Paracetamol wouldn't take care of. The clinic had me on 'rest', so I spent most of this week on the sofa watching costume dramas. The nurses said that the severity of OHSS can be directly related to the preventative measures women take - e.g. resting, drinking water, and eating protein with every meal (which I did).

Developing OHSS after the embryo transfer made me so happy - in fact, I actually prayed specifically that I would get mild OHSS post-transfer!!! This is because the nurses had told us that OHSS developing post-transfer means pregnancy. So I felt hugely optimistic and loved by God throughout the 2WW, although I felt sick... I'd been terrified of the dreaded 2WW, but actually I found it a lovely, peaceful, and calm time... I 'felt' pregnant during the whole waiting period, from the time the embryo was popped back in.

The Lord has answered some really specific prayers during the IVF process. Here are some of the prayers He has answered:

1. During the stims process I prayed for just the right number of eggs - not too many and not too few, for optimum quality. We had 13 mature, 11 fertilised, and all survived to biopsy. A pretty amazing result!
2. I prayed for Maha, our consultant, to perform the egg collection procedure... And she did! 
3. I prayed that the sedative would knock me out and I'd sleep through the whole egg collection procedure... And I did!
4. I prayed for mild OHSS after transfer, for encouragement, and it came at 2dp5dt.

In fact, the Lord answered ALL my specific (and non-specific!) prayers throughout the whole procedure... And He also looked after some needs I didn't know I had. He delayed my CRB so that I couldn't start my new job until after the clinic had OK'd me to stop resting for OHSS prevention. He gave me the mentor I specifically wanted (out of 8) when I did then start my job. During my first work training session (during the stims phase) the trainer revealed that she'd had IVF treatment - although I didn't reveal to anyone we were having treatment for another few weeks! My friend also prayed that when I started my job, I would make a connection with someone who was a Christian. I did make a connection with one particular person... But I didn't learn for a few weeks that they are in fact a Christian!

The Lord is awesome, and He has really showed His might through this process!!! It is so humbling for someone who has had many doubts about the efficacy of prayer.

Intimacy

So, we started our injections yesterday; we've done two injections now. I was a bit anxious before it all started - I didn't sleep much the night before the injections, and had a bit of a panicky moment in the day. But it (the anxiety) was all over really quickly and I felt much better after we'd done the first one, and have been fine since.

I thought I might write tonight about intimacy. Intimacy ties in with dependence, which I wrote about on Sunday, and I've been learning a lot about both through this whole IVF process (and my life is loads better for it! Thanks God!). When we are intimate with God, we are dependent, and in order to be dependent, we have to have intimacy.

I love having a close relationship with God. Sometimes it's not there though, and that's just part of the mystery of faith! Earlier this year I was finding it very difficult to seek His presence... Not feeling His presence was so hard, but what He taught me out of it was invaluable. He showed me how important it is that He is first in our hearts, and how much this impacts our personal, intimate relationships with Him (I had university before Him in my heart). Ezekiel 14:7-8 says:

When any of the Israelites or any foreigner residing in Israel separate themselves from me and set up idols in their hearts and put a wicked stumbling block before their faces and then go to a prophet to inquire of me, I theLord will answer them myself. I will set my face against them and make them an example and a byword. I will remove them from my people. Then you will know that I am the Lord.

I listened to an online talk on Prophecy by our church leader the other night (listen to it here - dated 19th September 2010). He made the point that relationships flourish with time invested, and wither when neglected - and that our relationship with God is the same. The more time we spend with Him, the better we know Him.

We can all know the Lord personally and intimately. This has been such a revelation lately - it's something I hear in church all the time, and thought I understood... But now am seeing in whole new ways! Hebrews 8:10-11 says:

This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel
    after that time, declares the Lord.
I will put my laws in their minds
    and write them on their hearts.
I will be their God,
    and they will be my people.  

 No longer will they teach their neighbor,
    or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
    from the least of them to the greatest.

We need no intercessors to come before Him. We can speak to Him, and He will listen. He can speak to us - directly - and we can listen. And by far the best way of getting to know someone is to spend time one-on-one with them. During quiet time spent seeking the Lord we are transformed like no other time; He has our full attention during these times. I find it helps to study the Bible before spending quiet time in prayer as it 'readies' my mind.

Recently, I have been focusing on building time devoted to listening to the Lord. I am a total novice at this, but I have found it helpful to create a restful mood by turning the lights off, shutting the curtains, lighting candles, and playing a worship CD really low. I also like to have a notebook and Bible handy, so I can look up any verses and write down things God says. But ultimately all that is necessary is a quiet space. The more time available the better, but I go on the basis that a short amount of time is better than nothing! Doing this has transformed the IVF experience for me... It has also really helped bring fresh hope into my life; hope that isn't dependent on any particular outcome but is in the Lord.

Dependence

So... I have some news! Bang on time, a certain madame period showed up today - exactly when the nurses said she would, and exactly when God told me she would (oh me of little faith - how I doubt my body!!).

This means... We.are.starting.IVF.tomorrow. TOMORROW.

TOMORROW

(did I ever mention I have waited five and a half years for this moment?)

Each time my period has arrived this cycle - this is my third 'IVF period' - I have thought I am the happiest I could be to see it show up.

I.was.wrong.

Today I was definitely, 100%, the very happiest and most content I could possibly be to see it show up! Not only does it mean we can start, but... God.does.what.He.says. Last night He told me...today. And here it is. Today.

I still have no idea whether IVF is going to produce a baby for us. God has not revealed this. I would love Him too, but every time I even think of it, all I hear is that He is not showing me because He wants me to grow in faith and dependence upon Him.

Which makes perfect sense.

Eeek.

Dependence.

Something I'm not great at; haven't got much practise at.

Since I became a Christian, life has been... comfortable. It has steadfastly and steadily moved from the place I was - bad - to the place where suddenly I don't look *that* different to other Christians, and my sexual sin isn't weighing on my mind every time I'm in church. To the place where the things needing attention in my daily life are things that seem... smaller.more manageable.more appropriate.more - dare I say it - holy.

And that's where the problem came.

The things needing attention in my daily life are never smaller.never more manageable.never more appropriate.definitely never holy.

That I learned this year.

I started the year feeling...good with God.smug.content. I had another companion, as this had morphed into the killer of all faith - the five year plan.

God loves me. He had clearly demonstrated that by giving me a lovely husband; allowing me to achieve the marks I'd dreamed of at university; giving us a lovely church and small group to settle in... And so on. Clearly, I was in God's favour. He loves to bless me. And He was going to continue to bless me. Everything was going to happen just as I wanted it. I would fall pregnant from IVF. We would move house. I would graduate from my degree. We would have baby. I would stay at home and raise baby as super-mama.

Guess what? ALL that stuff was about ME. My faith had stopped being about what God wanted for me and had become about what I *deserve*.

If I deserve a husband, then I deserve to finish the degree I dropped out of. If I deserve a husband, I deserve to have the fact that I very likely can't have children rectified.

God did a miracle to provide us with even an opportunity for having a child. 50% is loads better than our odds naturally. This wasn't good enough. It had to fit into my box. We.were.blessed. I.would.fall.pregnant.

Then... Something happened. Fear came in. And fear exposed how me-centred my life had become. Somewhere along the line the severity of my PCOS, and the fact that 50% of couples come out of IVF treatment without a child, sunk in... And I remembered... Life is pretty darn awful without God, and I need Him - when times are good, and when times are tough. Always.

If I seem to write a lot about not having children lately, and it seems pessimistic (which it is, as it's very unlikely that IVF wouldn't work and we then wouldn't be able to adopt), it's because of this: not having children did not feature in my life plan. Clearly, I was so favoured by God that this was not a possibility.

So a few weeks ago I took this fear to Him and faced it head on. I wrote this post, about what hope now looked like. Stuff happened, and I wrote this post about how Jesus moves all kinds of mountains, not just the ones we want Him to.

I write about not having children at the moment because actually... if God wants to do that with my life, I'd rather be there, than have the children and be without Him. God's goodness does not depend on me becoming a mother. My happiness does not depend on me becoming a mother. Somehow, along the way, I'd got God mixed up with a baby.

Name Meanings

So, just in case you are thinking I think of myself as a light and a prophet ;-), I thought I better write a post explaining the name...

My hubby and I picked boy and girl baby names. 'The prophet' is for the boy's name. We chose 'Samuel' for a boy; Samuel was an Old Testament prophet born to an infertile mother (Hannah) as an answer to prayer: "Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life." (1 Samuel 1:11.) When the baby was born, "She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'" (1 Samuel 1:20). Hannah dedicated the baby to God after his birth. The Lord said of Samuel: "I will raise up for myself a faithful priest, who will do according to what is in my heart and mind. I will firmly establish his house, and he will minister before my anointed one always." (1 Samuel 2:35).

'Light' is the meaning of the girl's name we picked (which is remaining a secret!).

Name meanings are really important to me. My name means 'pure' and I love it. Hubby's name means 'rock' (he is the rock Jesus built his church on!!!) and it perfectly sums him up; he is steady, thoughtful, dependable, considerate, and terribly loyal. My husband is about the most unshakeable person I know. I'm not sure I am pure (lol!!!) but my name really speaks to me of having integrity deep down, seeking the truth, and also of all that Jesus has made and is making me - who has such a tarnished past.

I love the name Samuel because of how it came to us. We chose Samuel because it fits nicely with our surname... And we wanted a 'normal' name, but also a serious name, for a boy. I looked up the meaning after we thought of it and saw it means 'God heard', which is perfect, so we knew it was for us. At the time I was starting a Bible study plan. A couple of months later, we were finally referred to the IVF clinic, and that weekend I had the story of Samuel's conception in my Bible plan. It was a complete revelation as neither of us had any idea it had anything to do with infertility! The whole thing fit so perfectly, and it made this little boy so real to me, because I knew God is intending him. And then I knew that if we have a little boy at any point, we will call him Samuel - that it is a name given to us for a son - because God heard, and He is faithful through the ages - the same God that heard and spoke to Hannah all those years ago hears and speaks to me :). To be able to dedicate my son to the Lord, and to have him grow up knowing the Lord and to stay true to Him as Samuel did, is all I would want for my son. It was quite strange reading about Samuel in the Bible because I felt I was reading about my son!!!

I love my name and I wanted a name quite like mine - quirky and old-fashioned, with a beautiful meaning - for a girl. The girl's name came to us after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing (I liked 'Connie', my hubby did not like Connie!), and when I looked up the meaning, it felt right, because 'light' is God, 'light' is Jesus, 'light' is hope, and 'light' is everything I'd wish for my daughter... That she wouldn't experience the darkness I have; that she would know the light, and be a light to others around her. Since we chose it, I keep hearing this one song called after her, and then recently a second song has popped up, so I think it is for us... But I don't feel we have had the confirmation we have had with 'Samuel', so I don't want to 'wed' myself to the name but leave it open for God (hence keeping it a secret!).

I don't know whether we'll have our babies or not, but God showed me earlier this year that they are really real and living with Him, waiting to see if they come to us or not - and that the reason they might not come is because we live in a fallen world, and not because God didn't intend for us/me to have children. And since He showed me that I have been able to see them so clearly. I really wanted to remember that they are real and commemorate their existence, even if only I know they exist, which is why I so named the blog. Even if they never come to earth, I will always remember them and think of them living with Jesus... And maybe one day we would meet in heaven, and they will be everything I hoped for them :).

Small Group, IVF Progress, and My Mum

We had our small group (weekly church group) round to ours tonight for a social. It was such a privilege to cook for everyone and show them where we live; our small group has such amazing people in it and we are really blessed. After we ate we played Balderdash, which is great to play for laughs; it was really lovely to laugh and relax with everyone and to see how much our friendships have developed since we first met on the Alpha course a year ago!

One of the girls has been having trouble with her ankle; she had a tendon injury that was inhibiting her movement and stopping her from exercising. Last week at small group she had prayer for it, and this week she reported that since she received prayer, her ankle has been completely healed! God is so good!!!!

God has done amazing things in this lady's life. When she and her husband came to the Alpha course they were separated. They got back together last Christmas as a result of doing Alpha and finding faith! It's so fun to follow what God does in peoples' lives.

I am struggling a bit this week with Norethisterone side effects: hot flushes, insomnia, giant boobs (!!!) & bloating. I feel so exhausted today. My wee smelled and I had period pain last week, but that has died down now. Tomorrow is my last day on this drug and I am really excited to get off it! It really hasn't been bad apart from the last couple of days though, so pretty lucky really. I am just about the most impatient/intolerant person though, so anything that is bad in that moment is THE WORST THING EVER, and that's how I feel right now ;D.

And tomorrow we have our INJECTION TUTORIAL: so excited it is unreal. Actually, properly, getting a little bit giddy excited. I'm not quite sure why; it's only the tutorial I'm so excited about, the thoughts of the injections don't fill me with such glee - although I am surprisingly quite looking forward to that too. I used to be such a wimp about EVERYTHING (put off my BCG injection for three years, no lie!), reckon I'm getting hard as nails thanks to teeth/mental health/reproductive insanity. It probably sounds a really small thing but I am so grateful to God for taking away all that fear I had around even really small medical procedures. He makes us so free!!!

And speaking of freedom, had THE BEST time with my Mum this weekend. Having my Dad was quite stressful and I was really dreading having Mum right afterwards: we have so much bad blood between us, and we are really trying at our relationship this year, which is an amazing blessing and privilege - but also hard work. But instead my time with her was the opposite of draining, and I can really see the hard work we are putting into our relationship paying off. It makes me really emotional that she would put so much love and effort into our relationship when we have not always got on naturally and I have been such a sh*t to her over the years. I feel so hopeful for our future. This year has been the first year EVER (well, in my living memory) that we have not had a fight! And it would never just be one fight, it would be constant bickering plus a couple of really nasty arguments (at least). This year - not even a bicker. Not a single one! I would say that my relationship with my Mum is where I most see evidence of God changing my life, and changing me, because it is such a intimate and personal thing.

The Weekend & my Infertility Song

So we had my dad, stepmum, and little brother Friday evening - 4.15pm Sunday, and now my mum is here, having arrived at 5pm! It was a little hair-raising trying to rush Dad & co. out before Mum arrived: that was not part of the plan!!! Divorced parents, who'd have 'em. Dad stayed later than planned; Mum simply had to come today (of course!!!) - but in the end all worked out well and everyone is in one piece. Mum is in bed now and will be off - accompanied by her little dog - at some point tomorrow. And then it will just be us in the house again (bliss!).

My stepmum's health isn't great; it seems to be one thing after another for her recently. She is a very dear person to me; I've known her since the age of 8 and am closer to her than Dad. When I was 11, I went to church with her and decided to be a Christian when I was older. She's really different to both my parents, and provided me with another model of adulthood when I was a teenager and my relationships with my parents were really strained and awful. She's kind, generous-hearted, thoughtful, and such a support. It might be really corny but she's taught me a lot about being a woman over the years, and she's definitely a third parent rather than a step-parent!

I have barely had time to think about IVF over the weekend, which has been great, but I also haven't had much time to feel God, and miss Him. I can't believe I am on day 6 of Norethisterone now; this time next week it will all be about to begin.

We went to church this morning (hubby and me) and I really needed that time of peace in amongst all the rushing around. I had tears streaming down my face during worship, which is really unlike me!

The band started worship with what's become my 'infertility song', which was really precious. I love how God never fails to speak so painfully intimately, even in a massive crowd of people.

Three years ago, the pastor of a church we were visiting had a picture of the ICSI procedure. It was a small church and we were the only people it meant anything to; whether PGD was 'right' or not was very much on my mind, and hubby and I had been thinking about it a lot. He prayed with us about it after the service, and while he was praying, this song played. Recently, every time I hear it, I remember that prayer and that pastor, and the song is providing comfort in a whole new way. I also like this song because it came out in 2007 so it's as old as my faith, and it was one of my favourite songs when I first became a Christian :). It's called 'Everlasting God' and is played a lot in churches still.

The lyrics 'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord', and 'You lift us up on wings like eagles' are reminiscent of Isaiah 40:31, which I love:

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Updates - Am Now Up One Job!!!

IVF Update

My smear result came through normal today so we are officially good to go...

It's CD22 and day 4 on Norethisterone. Side effects so far are period cramps (lower back), smelly wee, and hot flushes. I haven't read the side effects leaflet because I freak myself out with them, and I tend to get all the side effects listed, which I figured might be psychologically induced. Hoping the period pain will die down a bit because it's pretty bad this evening and I don't fancy 6 more days of it.

Job Update

Ta-da! I have been offered a job! God is so good and amazing!!!! I so need this encouragement at the moment, and He is so good to bless me in this way! He is reminding me of His goodness with every. single. little. thing. at the moment, and I am blown away by His attention to detail and general care and love for me. It all makes me feel so safe and fearless!

The circumstances of getting the job were really obviously God as well, because there were a lot of similarities to when I last interviewed for jobs (and got my last job) - five years ago this month (five = period of grace).

I had a feeling I would get the job I did because it was the second job I interviewed for (five years ago I got the second job); I wasn't even sure whether to apply for it because instinctively - before going there - I didn't want to work there (same as with the job I got five years ago), and then when I did visit the place at interview, I loved it and really wanted to work there (same as five years ago). I had a lovely time at the first interview; the people were lovely and really put me at ease, and the place had a nice atmosphere; but I had a really strong feeling that I wouldn't get the job; something didn't feel right. It was a few too many hours; it was difficult to get to; I would have had to work Sundays, at least for a bit; and it wasn't in the area I really wanted to be in. And after the second interview I thought 'this is the job for me'. I felt a bit mad thinking all of this - why would I hear God so clearly on it? - but then it all worked out exactly as I thought He was saying, so I am beyond encouraged and grateful to Him. After I had the call to say I'd got it, my husband said he'd had a dream the night before that I got it, which really encourages us about the dream he had last weekend! The job itself seems to fit all my needs really well, and I am really excited to start!!! God is SO good! (Did I mention He is good?! Lol!)

Also I'm really encouraged because the feedback from both interviews was really good. Five years ago, the feedback I got was about how obviously nervous I was; this time I didn't feel particularly nervous at all, in either interview! It was totally blessed! I struggle so badly with nerves a lot of the time, and yet I enjoyed myself (is that crazy to say?!) in both interviews. Bonkers. Even the job I didn't get fed back so well; the lady said I was 'lovely' three times, how well they thought I'd get on with the team, how well I scored on some of the questions, how high the standard was, and how they'd encourage me to apply again. I came off the phone on a complete high, despite just having had a rejection!! She said the areas I scored low on were areas I didn't have experience of (up-selling, locking-up), and that the girl who got the job had experience in those areas. It was just such lovely feedback, I was so touched she took the effort to be so encouraging, and it has made that interview such a lovely memory to look back on.

Anyway, really rambling on a lot now, but I am just so blown away by all God has done in the past five years. He has done so much in my life and He blesses me so abundantly. The same verse   I wrote about a few months ago comes to mind (Ephesians 3:20):

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine! Honestly, why on earth do I ever doubt He can provide me with all I need? He is so surprising and so exciting.

Facebook

So I have been feeling for a while like the Lord might be asking me to deactivate my Facebook account for a bit; this week He has blatantly confirmed that. We have my dad, stepmum, and little brother staying tonight until Sunday, and then my mum staying Sunday night, so I probably won't get around to it until Monday (having had my account over 5 years I don't really feel right rushing it; I want to say goodbye - even if it's just for a bit!).

Facebook hasn't been doing me any good for a while; earlier this year when I was getting really down about being infertile, I spent a lot of time obsessing over which of my FB friends have kids yet and how old people were when they had their kids. Recently this has turned into fearing I am going to see a pregnancy announcement every time I go on. From other peoples' experiences with infertility, I know this is totally normal, but I don't want to be an obsessive and jealous person and I really need a break.

Also, more recently, I have found that my Facebook support groups (IVF PGD support group, IVF support group, general balanced translocation support group) are causing me a lot of anxiety, as I worry about all the things that can go wrong from seeing other peoples' experiences, and it is totally distracting me from having faith and trust in God. I miss the 11,22 support group (that one is very different in nature and not anxiety inducing) but it will still be there in the future!

I use the Fertility Friends forum a bit; I find it a lot easier not to get over involved with that one. I think because it is so large and has so many threads, it is easy to find one's own niche: I only follow the one thread, and that doesn't see much action, so it is very unintrusive. I have met some ladies through Fertility Friends who have been a real blessing. Last month I met up with a girl from there in person: but that is a story for another day as I am tired, and that was an exciting God thing so I want to do it justice.

Mountain-Moving Faith

In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says:

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

This verse has been on my mind a lot recently. What does it mean? What is Jesus trying to say to us?

I have read this verse quoted in books as to mean whatever we want can and will happen for us, if we just have enough faith. Just have more faith, and what you desire will come true. And that's how I've always thought of this verse as well.

Recently, my interpretation of it this way has been troubling me, and I can't get the verse out of my mind (which is a sure sign, in my book, that God's trying to get my attention about it!).

Does God really desire us to have everything we want; in this world, here and now? If we had everything we want, we would be like spoilt children, and not learn anything. I believe that God designed the world to be perfect and free of suffering, but that it is no longer like that, and that He uses the suffering we do experience to reveal His nature to us. The rest of the Bible doesn't seem to say that God is going to always miraculously make things materially better for us - but it does say that things can always be spiritually better; and that's what counts, after all.

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul doesn't tell us to pray for our situation to change, but instead to learn to be content in the situation:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Jesus himself was someone who suffered a great deal. That burden was not taken away from him. And neither does Jesus seem to want it to be, although even he has his moments of doubt.

Look what happens when Jesus wants his circumstances to be changed (Luke 22:41-43):

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

Oh, that this would be my faith! I find Jesus's vulnerability so heart-breaking in this passage. He faces death; he prays for it to be taken away from him; and yet, even in this moment, he prays 'Your will not mine'.

And when Jesus prays for circumstances to be changed, instead of this happening (and doesn't Jesus have much greater faith than a mustard-seed?), 'an angel appears and strengthens him'. The mission is not changed, but Jesus is able to take it on.

This is exactly what the Lord has been speaking to me about recently, through Matthew 17:20. Every time that verse comes to mind, the niggling thought accompanies it: what if the mountain-moving isn't a change of mission (which will happen exactly as God plans it, no matter what I pray), but a change of heart? Isn't that more of a mountain for God to move - to strengthen us to be content in the circumstances facing us?

This verse has really been strengthening my faith lately. I know that, even if this PGD doesn't work out as I'd like, and - like Jesus - I pray for someone else's lot instead, I can ask God to change my heart. Nothing is impossible for Him, and nothing is unbearable with Him.

Dreams and Prophecy

I love dreams; recording them, remembering them, interpreting them.

Every so often, I will have a really vivid dream that will have a huge impact on my life. Throughout my teens and while I was at university, I had a recurring dream about going into labour. In this dream, I wouldn't know I was pregnant until shortly before going into labour. Aside from the world ending, labour was my biggest fear when I was younger (funny how life turns out!), so this dream was really a nightmare. I would go into labour, but never have the baby.

My first counsellor thought this dream was about putting a lot of effort into something but not getting anything out. This made a lot of sense to me, as I would get it when I was particularly stressed about academic work. Generally in my life when I was younger, I would put a lot of effort into things but not see results, because I would get so stressed out that I'd stop functioning.

I had the same dream summer 2011 (I haven't had it since, and hadn't had it in a few years), but in the dream I had the baby. The feeling from the dream was one of immense relief. I took that as reassurance that it was indeed time to go back to studying. And studying did go so much better than at any time in my life before - my grades were so much better, and I found it easy generally to actually finish assignments.

But then, in the spring, I started to get the same feeling - stressing out too much to actually get any work done, and I realised I based so much of how I saw myself on being able to finish my degree and on the grades I got. And it was like a prison.

And then of course in August the Lord spoke to me about letting go of it. And doing so has brought so much joy and freedom into my life.

I don't think I was wrong about the dream last summer. I think it was time to go back - I was ready to learn the lesson I needed to.

But the subject matter of the dream - the struggle to give birth to a baby - seems basically prophetic about the real struggle of my early adulthood. And it seems, looking back, that while I associated the dream with academic struggle, really the dream is telling me to focus on something else, and what my journey would be.

Last night hubby and I both dreamt of babies being born. My husband is dreaming fairly often about babies at the moment. These dreams, last night, are the first dreams I can think of in which names have been given to babies, and in which that has been the focus of the dream. For both of us to dream of baby names at the same time seems really significant!

He dreamt we had a baby boy and called it 'Rex'. Apparently it was born red and I said it looked like my little brother when born (he was also born red - cooked too long!). 'Rex' means 'King', which is so reassuring: reminding me that the Lord is the Lord of birth, and that He is king over this whole area of our life.

I dreamt that one of my bridesmaids (who got engaged this year) and her other half had a baby boy and called him 'Graeme'. In the dream I was jealous that she was the first of our uni house (she and I lived with another girl) to have a baby, but it was also what I expected, as she has been with her OH so long and is such a down-to-earth and homely person. Our other uni housemate and I went to see the baby, we were both on our way somewhere. And I talked to her about her labour, which was three days (but she carried on as normal for all but the last day - dream world is great!), and for pain relief she had a shot of pethidine. I can't think why that labour stuff is significant, but it was there in the dream so I thought I best write it down.

I googled 'Graeme', and apparently it means 'gravel' or 'grey homestead'.

'Grey' has been a bit of a theme for me this week; I already looked it up in my dream book ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen) for a picture I had at small group last Wednesday: it means  'confusion', 'uncertainty', 'vague', 'hidden'. And I'm thinking this dream is about confusion in all kinds of areas of my life: will I have a job and/or a baby; and where are we going to live, and when? I'm also confused about prophecy: I'm not sure where the various pictures and words around IVF and babies we have had through our journey are going to take us, and I'm not sure whether I can trust my ability to hear God, and deep down I am not sure whether I can trust God, and I feel that is really being put to the test through this trial.

I looked up 'gravel', and it has a positive and a negative meaning:

Positive - to lay a strong foundation in a ministry or a person's life.
Negative - bitterness, without joy; gravel is a symbol of something that is bitter or unpleasant. ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen.)

This speaks to me about everything I have been feeling about this situation we are in of being infertile and choosing IVF: I can approach it with bitterness and without joy, or I can allow it to form a strong foundation in my life and try to joyfully accept the lessons the Lord teaches me through it.

In the book, there is also a verse alongside 'gravel'; Luke 3:16:

John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire."

And that comforts me that the Holy Spirit is working in me at the moment, and it also speaks to me of this 'trial by fire' we are in at the moment: fire burns off what is unnecessary, it refines. Sometimes things are really painful, but it is all Jesus.

My dream speaks to me about this being a really confusing time - for our home, for our family - and also about the choice I have to make within that confusion. It reminds me that I don't have to worry; Jesus is 'more powerful than I': I am not fit to untie his shoelaces. It speaks of the importance of this time, it's testing and refining nature, and the 'strong foundation' it will lay in my life. I had a dream about a gravelly path earlier this year; that was about not doing things in my own strength; and this dream seems to link in with that.

My hubby's dream also reminds us that we don't have to worry: this may be a time of confusion, but it will pass, because He is King of all, and of this really intimate moment in our lives. It speaks also of Jesus's power and kingship over the situation. All will come good.

Six years ago I dreamed a dream

Nothing much to report, IVF-wise. We are in a lull at the moment, not taking any particular medications. I am loving it :). I'm finding it really easy to switch off and forget it's all happening - am loving 'savouring the moment' (a phrase my counsellor loves!) and taking the time to enjoy all that we have together. I feel really OK about IVF at the moment. I feel OK knowing that this may lead to a child or it may not. I feel OK knowing that things might happen that I do not understand. I feel able to trust God in the way that I used to, and am really enjoying being in a good place with Him. I feel close to Him again, and that is the most important thing for me. Feeling distant from Him over the summer was like losing a limb, all felt so wrong with the world.

The feeling of hope I wrote about last week hasn't left. I've really enjoyed it's presence; it's like a curtain has been lifted, and I can see through to all the stuff beyond, which is all sparkly and lovely. I am standing in the open doorway to a jewellers, and everything inside is already mine. The future seems really exciting, and I'm not thinking anywhere near as much as usual about whether we will have children or not. I am thinking about it, in relation to IVF and the fact that we are about to undergo our first cycle, but I've stopped obsessing all the time about whether I am going to be 'picked' to have children. It no longer feels like waiting to see if I've made the team. I've already made the team. I've already got the good stuff.

It's almost exactly six years at the moment since this whole journey began. That's important to me. Six years ago, I was sick, wondering if I had a brain tumour or MS, and wondering what my life was going to look like. I was so scared. I didn't know God, and I didn't feel loved. I read a book called 'The Time Traveller's Wife'; I stayed up all night to finish it; and God planted the desire in my heart to bear a child. I didn't know Him then, but that sweet and precious moment was as magnificently Him as anything since.

I didn't not want to have children because I don't like children, or didn't yearn to be a parent. I didn't not want children primarily because I was afraid of labour, or because I was worried about the genetic condition I knew I carried, although these both played a part. I didn't want to create children because I was brought up to believe that the world is coming to an end, well within my lifetime, and I was very angry that my parents, believing this, had chosen to have my brothers and me. When I looked at my half-brother, who's ten years younger, I didn't understand how anyone could choose to create something so innocent knowing what they did about our world. At this time I believed the things my father taught absolutely.

I always wanted to parent. I guess that started when my half-brother came along - I had no idea the depth of love I could feel. He is and always has been so special to me, and to all our family. So I had this deep desire to parent, combined with a sense of anger about the world (and the choices my parents had made) and a passion for social justice, and I decided I would adopt. That way I wouldn't be responsible for bringing the life into this broken world. I was actually terrified of falling pregnant and going into labour long before I was sexually active. My whole life was a mess of fear.

And so, when God planted that dream in my head, it said so much more than 'Seek to bear a child'. It said, 'It's ok to dream', and specifically, 'It's ok for you to dream'. It said, 'You don't have to punish yourself for the sins of the world'. It said, 'You have a hope and a future' (because, ultimately, my choice not to have children came out of a belief that there was no future for me at all). It said, 'Walk with me'.

When I had this special moment with God about bearing my own child - during which I saw a vision of a little boy, toddler age - I was still completely uneducated about the condition I carry. I didn't even know it's name! And so, as a result of this hope and vision, I asked to be referred for genetic counselling.

Eight months after that moment with God, I found out that the odds of me having an affected pregnancy were 1/2, and my world fell apart. That tentative hope I had been offered had been snatched away, and it was worse - much, much worse - than not having it at all. Everything changed, and everything grew much darker. I lost hope.

Over the years since that initial moment with God six years ago, I have tried to walk away and give up hope so many times. Each time, I have been offered a morsel; an offer so supernatural I remember God, and remember that this is not in my hands. He has spoken to us (and particularly to me alone - which is important to me, as I was the one to doubt the procedure) so clearly, and in so many ways, about doing IVF PGD that I have to trust and keep walking. Maybe we will have a child, and maybe we won't. But either way, I know that the only hope I have ever been offered is in the Lord. For the girl who had no hope, making that decision is a no-brainer. I go where He takes me, and I trust in His ways. Who am I to think I would have no life without children, or no hope without children? He gave me hope from dust and ashes before!

When I think back over the journey I've been on these long six years, I am reminded of how little hope rests in our physical circumstances. Six years ago, the world was just opening up for me, and yet I had never known hope. It took a miracle for me to taste hope - a drastic intervention by Jesus in my life. My physical circumstances may change with time, but nothing can take away that hope Jesus gave me. He will always be.

Hopelessness Scorned

IVF Progress

So last time I wrote was four days ago, and I was waiting for AF to arrive... Well, the very next morning, she showed up (three days after last Pill)! This was such a relief - I have had problems with not getting a withdrawal bleed at all on the Pill before. I am probably the only person who is really happy to get a period every and any time it arrives - I feel like a real woman, lol! At the moment I am even happier than usual to see it, as it means our cycle is going as hoped.

So on day 1 of AF I phoned the clinic as requested, and am now drug free until 09/10 (day 18 of this cycle) when I start Norethisterone, for at least 10 days. On 18/10 (day 10 of N'one) we have been booked in for our injection tutorial.

All this means I have some idea in my mind when everything major is likely to happen, and we can begin to plan around this a little bit. I worked out likely dates on the calendar, and realised - this time in TWO MONTHS we will be completely, 100% done with cycle 1!!! Not very long at all!

I am so nervous about it all, but also very ready to get on with life, and see what is going to happen already :). Life is a bit on hold at the moment and I am excited that we are moving forward.

Hopelessness to Hope

So today I went to meet up with a lady who is I guess what you might call a spiritual mentor to me. She has helped me a lot over the past year; really encouraged me in my walk with Jesus. I have only met her a handful of times, yet my life has been completely transformed in many ways by knowing her - the ways I talk to and listen to God have broadened, my confidence in my ability to hear from God has grown exponentially, and I recognise gifts in myself I would never have recognised alone.

It was very encouraging to meet up with her today. I haven't seen her for maybe six months, and a lot has been going on for me, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, during this time, and it was really good to catch her up on what has been going on and hear her feedback that she thinks I have been fighting well and growing... As when times are dark and confusing I find it hard to discern whether things are going 'well' or not. The past few months I have felt mainly like I am stabbing in the dark every day, hoping I am pleasing God and that all will turn out 'all right', but everything has felt like such a muddle.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

The Merton Prayer

I hope I will look back on this period in a few months or years and understand what it was building up to and how I grew and changed in anticipation of that during this time. But often at the moment, things God is asking me to do - stop studying, re-start weekly counselling, delaying IVF for iron levels - feel like stepping backwards. I know that I can't be stepping backward whilst I am walking forwards... But still, the things I anticipated happening this year haven't happened. We can't afford to move at the moment - although we hoped to be putting the house on the market before Christmas. We can't afford to go to New Zealand to visit our friends. I hope we will get to do these things in the future, and that God has the perfect time planned out. 

Bearing in mind all these things I perceive to be setbacks, it was really refreshing and encouraging to hear from this lady that she sees such definite growth, and also that she thinks I have been hearing from God really clearly. It is hard to be in the middle of a period of such fighting and confusion, but as long as I am doing what God is asking of me, I trust that all will come good in the end.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Romans 8:28 

R finished by praying for me, especially during IVF, and she prayed for 'hope'... And when she did, I had this revelation that what afflicts me is a spirit of hopelessness. During the period between God's revelation to me that Pete and I would marry (two years before we did and a year before our engagement) I struggled so much with hopelessness. Once we were married, it was the most wonderful, blessed relief... But now, as we have been building up to IVF, it has come back, and I literally cannot - physically, spiritually, emotionally - believe anything good is going to happen to me... And in this instant, God showed me this is because I actually cannot hope or believe, because of this spirit of hopelessness.

So I am planning to have some chats with God about this over the next few days, and see what He tells me to do about it. I'm excited that He revealed this, because I know it must be because He wants me to tackle it... And things will change :).

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31 

Sometimes I Ramble About All the Beautiful Things Happening

IVF Progress

I took my last Microgynon pill on Wednesday... Now Friday night, and anxiously waiting for a bleed to arrive. Pretty please!

Giving Up Studying

I am overall feeling much calmer, happier, more content, and closer to God at the moment than I have been for most of this year... What He said to me about quitting studying really was right - in August, He told me to stop studying and that it would be the key to my mental health, and it really has been. Also, giving something up for Him - because He asked me to, and only because of that, and something that means so much and is so close to my heart - has really helped my faith. It has been really hard to do; really, really painful... And things are better for having done it... Which reminds me that I really can give up anything for Him - and so I have stopped the constant worrying about what will happen to my faith if IVF doesn't work out for us. I know I can give things up for God. I know I could do it. And I know I would survive.

It's also really helped to remind me just how real He is. How interested and involved in my life. And how much He really does love and care about me. Things I had been doubting before for the first time since I became a Christian.

Small Group and Counselling

As part of our church, we belong to something called a 'small group' (which is sometimes called a 'cluster', 'cell', or 'home' group in other churches). Our small group started in January, out of an alpha course hubby and I attended, and it met every two weeks. I then didn't go to our small group for a few months as my mental health went downhill in late spring. I felt at a low ebb with church. Lots of other things are happening personally for us at the moment - we want to move closer to church, and can't afford to; my degree didn't work out as planned; my mental health had a blip - and I wondered how I can trust that this is the right place for us to be, and whether it will work out.

In August, there was a month's break from small group, and towards the end we all met up for a picnic. It was the first time I had been with the group for a few months, and I hadn't been going to church regularly either. At the picnic, I met a friend's mum, who just happened to work at one of the IVF clinics in Nottingham (the other one to the one we are using; we are using Care and she worked at Nurture, which doesn't provide a PGD service). She was able to advise and reassure us about IVF, and I was reminded about God's perfect timing and attention to the most intricate of details; something I had taken for granted previously. Having doubted that for months, feeling unsure as to whether I would ever feel it again as I had, I was reassured and reminded that I don't have all the answers, or even any of the answers, but that that is really ok... And that while I don't have the answers about the future, this church and this group really are the place for us to be at the moment. And 'at the moment' is all that matters - tomorrow will take care of itself (Matthew 6:34).

Small group started up again last week, and is now meeting weekly instead of fortnightly. This is already proving so helpful. I am amazed and humbled that God would provide this extra care for me - for us - during this testing time.

Also in August, after God spoke to me about giving up studying, I asked my counsellor whether we could see each other weekly instead of fortnightly for the foreseeable, and she was 'delighted' to. That's been happening about a month now, and again it is something I can already see and feel the benefits of. My counsellor is a Christian and the support she has given me over the past eighteen months has been something I can't put into words. She made my world alive again - I stopped just hanging on, trying to exist, and started to experience things I thought had died.

The reason I cut down from weekly to fortnightly initially was because I was worried about how much of a loss I would feel if and when we move, and I can no longer see her. Again, God has reminded me that I need to do what is right for now, and not right for tomorrow. I so easily fall into 'anxiety planning' - planning for disasters and trials that may (or may not) come, trying to keep myself safe. I rely on my own planning and my own safekeeping, and not on God's ability to keep me safe. With both church and counselling, I am being reminded of how much better He provides for me than I do, and being reminded of this just before IVF is such a blessing.

One Day At A Time

And so, on that note, at the moment what I am doing is reminding myself as often as I remember to 'take one day at a time', and focus only on the circumstances of that moment. The grace for tomorrow will be there when I need it. He can be trusted to hold me, and that is something I believe physically and spiritually as well as emotionally at the moment. I know He can be trusted, because He's held me through everything this year. Anything that comes my way, I can survive with Him.

'Follow the Peace'

I read a quote earlier - 'Follow the Peace' - and it reminded me how making the 'right' decisions feels, and how I will know how to do the right thing when the time comes again.

Follow the peace.

Peace - To stop studying.

Peace - To marry my husband (decided a year before he asked!).

Peace - When we decided to go to our church (18 months ago now!), even though it is in another town.

Peace - When God showed me (quite bluntly!) this time last year that my worries about IVF were selfish, and I had to take my husband's needs and desires into account. Peace, since that moment, about the whole 'is IVF right?' dilemma.

Peace - When we bought our house, three years ago now... Even though we had only known each other six months, weren't engaged or married, and I was mid-breakdown! Yes, it was mad... And yes, it was God!

Peace - When I relinquished my need for my husband to 'become a Christian' to God. (And of course now he is - but in God's time, not my time!)

His ways are not our ways. We don't often have a clue, in my experience, what the 'right' thing to do in a situation is. Often it is the riskiest thing to do. It may not seem risky to others, or it may seem downright foolish - either way, to us, it feels the riskiest.

Each and every time HIS PEACE (and not my crippled personality - which has also led me to do risky things, which have never, ever felt peaceful) has led me to do something risky, it has had ramifications I could not have predicted.

Right after we changed churches, and right before our wedding, our previous vicar's marriage broke down. I don't want to cast stones at him - am very fond of him - but for me, coming from a broken family, that could have been disastrous. We still got married at that church, by him, and it was awesome. But I needed to have the example of other mature Christian leadership marriages, provided at our then-new church, to encourage me in all the things I struggled with pre-wedding. When that marriage broke down, I knew why we had changed churches then. God's timing.

And now, right after I decide to walk away from studying, I hear that the final surviving first marriage in my parents' generation has broken down. My parents and all of their brothers and sisters have all been married. And now, all have walked away from marriages. For me, it is a timely reminder of why doing things God's way and not my way is so important - and especially why challenging the values I have grown up with is not of self-indulgent importance (as I try to tell myself sometimes), but of life-changing, life-altering, life-saving vitality. When I make decisions for God and deny those things I have been taught about life and self-worth, I make decisions for my husband's well-being, for the well-being of any children we might have, for the well-being of my nieces, and for the well-being of society and the world at large.

God matters. Divorce matters. Love matters.

Walking away from my desire to have a degree - something I have believed I 'need' and could not be whole without - matters. He teaches me how to be whole. Not anything else. Not any other single thing: and that includes whether I raise a child or not. I only need God - and I do not need anything else - to be whole. It's been tough to learn, and infinitely worth learning - and I am sure the same will be true the next twenty times I learn it ;).

Staycation

On the theme of following the peace and love mattering, hubby and I have enjoyed a 'staycation' this week... Spending quality time together, visiting spots of the country near us that we wouldn't otherwise have troubled ourselves to enjoy, and enjoying our life as it is, without wanting to change a thing. It really reminds me, again, that I will be ok - and that we will be ok - however things work out.

Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes things seem like they will not be ok, and there is no way things will ever be ok again. Hang in there. Things are ok again. Things are beautiful again. He makes a way. He makes a way in the desert.

In which PGD is saving me

Well, I've seen a few of these synchroblog type things around lately (I've not really been looking at blogs for very long at all!), and I thought, why not give this one a go? There is something I'm very thankful for, and I want to speak out about it. But I'm also scared - about making this not an unknown, anonymous place. (Actually this place and the places of others have been saving my life this week! But that's not what sprang into my heart to write about.)

What is saving my life right now?

A magical bundle of hope, grace, life, and opportunity; all found for me at CARE fertility in Nottingham. And in particular these events of the past few weeks:

• A man called Dave Gifford (I hope it's ok to write his name here!) who works for the East Midlands PCT or somesuch and was kind enough to email me quickly and personally with the news that having PCOS does not bar us from unlimited funding for IVF PGD (due to my balanced translocation). His kindness and generosity of spirit means so much.
• The family we met at church who have walked our road already.
• And then the miraculous news at our first appointment at CARE (June 21st) that unlimited funding is not limited to one child. And that we can begin 'right away'.

My world has changed so much since June 21st that it is now unrecognisable! I am so grateful that we may be able to have Light and Prophet.  Was I really 'ok' with having one child? How much wider I can dream now! Was I really ok with waiting for up to 6 months for them to develop a probe? Now I am struggling to wait a few weeks for my period to come!

I am active in a facebook forum for my particular translocation, and I know women there who feel strongly that PGD isn't 'Christian', as do others, and so I struggle to be bold in my choice and brave in writing about it. It is not for me to say what is right and wrong. I don't know God's mind and I don't claim to.

(I will write about my thoughts about the ethical issues around PGD sometime, but I don't have any answers.)  

I pray, as Thomas Merton prayed, that "the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing." 

I hope that our belief that He has been leading us here is in fact correct. And if it isn't, I hope it doesn't upset Him too much. Because with how much our lives have changed in the past month or so, it is hard not to believe more than ever that this surely must be God's plan for our lives.

Thank you so much Lord for blessing us with such abundance. If this isn't the path you have for us, I hope that I will be able to give it back to you with grace, trust, and hope, however impossible that may seem right now. But I am so grateful that this thing is being done in our lives. The ability to hope and dream that is coming out of this is saving me. 

Thank you Lord, that you are blessing us in this way. I pray with all of my heart that this blessing would be available to all heart-mothers in this world. I pray that my translocation sisters in other counties and in other countries, specifically those in America where medical care costs so much, would have the opportunity to be blessed in this way if they so desire. 

I thank you for this new thing, and I honestly struggle to believe that anything that feels like this does could be wrong.

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Linked with Sarah Bessey at http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-we-are-saved-synchroblog/

Ephesians 3:20

And so I woke up with this verse in my head this morning, and I felt so full of joy it was uncontainable:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

And I knew it was the Lord, reminding me of how completely vast and infinite His power is, how great His love for me, and how small my faith, because a) I never get verses... I have a rubbish memory for numbers and particular phrases and I just don't have any verses that I can recite, and b) I haven't got to Ephesians in my Bible study yet, so I've never actually read this verse.

It reminds me of something someone dear (and wise) said to me; that to see all the options in front of us leaves God out of the equation. How true that is and how completely humbled and in awe I am right now.

I was so wrapped up in whether we'd get funding for ONE kid, the thought that He might do a complete and utter MIRACLE never even crossed my mind.

How I love the Lord. He cares for me so well.

Amazing Grace

A few weeks ago I asked our small group leader if she could set us up with anyone at church who had been through IVF/infertility. She responded a few days later and said she had someone - and I was amazed as we already knew this couple! (Some background - we go to a church with around 2000 members, and we are not very involved/outgoing people so the pool of people we know there is pretty minute. We happened to meet this couple at a 'Newcomers Meal' last year. They were the only couple we really connected with there, and we talked to them all evening. I remember I was very nervous - I can be very anxious socially - and was so relieved we found a couple with so much in common to talk to. Little did we know how much we have in common!)

So today we were introduced after morning service. And guess what...? She is a balanced translocation carrier (different chromosomes) and they've had IVF PGD two times (yup, that's right, two cycles) and now they have THREE children. Not only did it work both times for them (pretty impressive at 1/5 odds a cycle) but second time they had twins.

She said that prior to being diagnosed as a carrier, she had had five miscarriages. She said: "Have the doctors encouraged you to try naturally?" (Yes.) "Well, don't. IVF was a walk in the park in comparison to the miscarriages."

I felt like that was divine reassurance that we are doing the right thing! It addressed my specific concerns. God is good.

And the icing on the cake... She also has PCOS, like me.

What are the odds? BT carrier, with PCOS, having had PGD successfully - at our church? And we know them?

God is good.

Chosen

I've been reading this blog today: http://bry-bryantsblog.blogspot.co.uk/. The blogger is part of the C22 group (slightly different to the 11,22 group).

I'm not comparing our - my - experiences and emotions to hers. I can't even imagine.

But reading it, I thought, "it's ok". "It's ok that I'm not ok with this. It doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian."

I don't think the translocation came from God. I believe He can help me with it - He has already helped me with it, so much. But from him? No. He didn't give me this. It's evil that attacks our family. That's how I see it; that's how I relate to it.

And I will respond to it how the Bible teaches me to respond to evil - with love.

I don't know what that looks like. I'm not sure if I'm doing it - I try to do it... I think the intention of doing it will pretty much get me there and I shouldn't worry too much about what it looks like.

Jesus heals.

He didn't choose this for me.

But I am chosen, because of it... I see His love in it, so much, so often, and in so many different ways. I also see a lot of grief. The things that bring us most beauty also bring us most pain. The translocation is truly a blessing in so many ways. But does that make it a good thing? No, and that's ok.

I thank the Lord for the journey.

Grief and Hope

Today, I have been thinking about how to deal with this coming roller-coaster.  It seems to me that on one hand it's very, very ok for it to feel hard and overwhelming, as one deals with the grief of not being able to conceive as other people do. Grief is a sucker. I have times of grief interspersed with much less intense periods; periods which are becoming increasingly joyous and longer and longer as time goes on. When I get into the good periods, especially during this past year - which has been the best year of my life (amazing!!!) - it is easy for me to feel that the grief is done, over with, I have "dealt" with it. Then it returns and I feel cross with myself because I feel that I have failed.

I haven't failed.

Grief is part of acceptance. Grief is part of life. To allow space to grieve can be life-changing. All these things are true.

But, as I said to hubby earlier, my entire 20s thus far (I'm 26 and had that initial genetics appointment at 21) have been taken up with the translocation. It has ruled my life: there has not been a single day I haven't thought about it since that blasted day five years ago. I have been so stuck and so lonely on planet TRANSLOCATION and I'd like to leave for another destination quite soon please.

It was a strange thought to think that my 30s could be quite different altogether. Hopefully, our 30s will be a new chapter of our lives. We could be done with TRANSLOCATION.

(During this post TRANSLOCATION has become a Transformer-type creature speaking in a robotic voice... Trans-lo-ca-tion.)

But, in regards to how I feel at the moment, while a lot is grief, a lot is anxiety and over-worrying as well. The grief will change, evolve, disperse. Anxiety I can learn to manage better. Each new situation throws up new challenges. There is a big challenge here in how to deal with this anxiety.

To accept the roller-coaster; to feel at peace with it and with God, trusting Him - that is where I want to be. He wants to teach me about getting there through this process... I'm excited! Just writing that sentence fills me with excitement!! I'm going to grow!

The Start

Well, I'm doing it. I'm creating a blog. (This is actually my second blog, and the first didn't go to well. I think it totalled 4 posts. We'll see how this one goes.)

I'm calling this "Light and the Prophet" because those are the meanings for the names we picked for our children. (I say 'picked', our boy name was definitely not picked... But more on that at another time.)

I need a place to focus on what is positive and to not get overwhelmed with the fear at the moment. A place to believe and hope. Also a place to be real.

It's currently 4:50am. I've not been doing too much hoping tonight. I've been trawling the internet. This is never a good sign. In amongst this I've stumbled across some really helpful stuff.

I can hear our lodger and she is up talking on the phone. I don't know how long I can keep going with this.

My brains feel like they're falling out my ears at the moment and I'd like to retreat into a cave and gather myself, and I can't. I keep telling myself; "He is teaching me; He is teaching me; He is teaching me". He is teaching me.

But this is the most I've ever had to cope with - here, in this moment. The past five years have been leading up to this moment. That's intense.

The realities of daily life; realities which have changed and expanded a lot over the past three months - life has been evolving and growing in the most wonderful way the past year; these realities are stretching me; I can feel the stretching going on within my head.

Too many fears to mention.

But today, I choose to be thankful that we have this opportunity. That not only do we have THIS opportunity, but that I have all the other mind-blowing opportunities that make my life so exquisitely wonderful and worthwhile: the young asylum seeker project, the marvellous institution that is the Open University and the set of circumstances that fell into place so that I could study, the changing relationship with my parents and in particular at the moment my relationship with my beautiful mother, and of course the wondrous blessing that is mental health care and my amazing counsellor. How I love her.

I am so grateful every day for mental health care. Yes, it is flawed, and yes, it is evolving, but it has given me a precious gift of life and that is something older members of my family were not given: it has given me rest, understanding, and respite; it has made me feel valued and important. When I think about the pain-in-the-backside that is Seroxat, it seems like a small price to pay for all of that.