See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Tuesday 25 September 2012

Hopelessness Scorned

IVF Progress

So last time I wrote was four days ago, and I was waiting for AF to arrive... Well, the very next morning, she showed up (three days after last Pill)! This was such a relief - I have had problems with not getting a withdrawal bleed at all on the Pill before. I am probably the only person who is really happy to get a period every and any time it arrives - I feel like a real woman, lol! At the moment I am even happier than usual to see it, as it means our cycle is going as hoped.

So on day 1 of AF I phoned the clinic as requested, and am now drug free until 09/10 (day 18 of this cycle) when I start Norethisterone, for at least 10 days. On 18/10 (day 10 of N'one) we have been booked in for our injection tutorial.

All this means I have some idea in my mind when everything major is likely to happen, and we can begin to plan around this a little bit. I worked out likely dates on the calendar, and realised - this time in TWO MONTHS we will be completely, 100% done with cycle 1!!! Not very long at all!

I am so nervous about it all, but also very ready to get on with life, and see what is going to happen already :). Life is a bit on hold at the moment and I am excited that we are moving forward.

Hopelessness to Hope

So today I went to meet up with a lady who is I guess what you might call a spiritual mentor to me. She has helped me a lot over the past year; really encouraged me in my walk with Jesus. I have only met her a handful of times, yet my life has been completely transformed in many ways by knowing her - the ways I talk to and listen to God have broadened, my confidence in my ability to hear from God has grown exponentially, and I recognise gifts in myself I would never have recognised alone.

It was very encouraging to meet up with her today. I haven't seen her for maybe six months, and a lot has been going on for me, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, during this time, and it was really good to catch her up on what has been going on and hear her feedback that she thinks I have been fighting well and growing... As when times are dark and confusing I find it hard to discern whether things are going 'well' or not. The past few months I have felt mainly like I am stabbing in the dark every day, hoping I am pleasing God and that all will turn out 'all right', but everything has felt like such a muddle.
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
The Merton Prayer

I hope I will look back on this period in a few months or years and understand what it was building up to and how I grew and changed in anticipation of that during this time. But often at the moment, things God is asking me to do - stop studying, re-start weekly counselling, delaying IVF for iron levels - feel like stepping backwards. I know that I can't be stepping backward whilst I am walking forwards... But still, the things I anticipated happening this year haven't happened. We can't afford to move at the moment - although we hoped to be putting the house on the market before Christmas. We can't afford to go to New Zealand to visit our friends. I hope we will get to do these things in the future, and that God has the perfect time planned out. 

Bearing in mind all these things I perceive to be setbacks, it was really refreshing and encouraging to hear from this lady that she sees such definite growth, and also that she thinks I have been hearing from God really clearly. It is hard to be in the middle of a period of such fighting and confusion, but as long as I am doing what God is asking of me, I trust that all will come good in the end.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
 Romans 8:28 

R finished by praying for me, especially during IVF, and she prayed for 'hope'... And when she did, I had this revelation that what afflicts me is a spirit of hopelessness. During the period between God's revelation to me that Pete and I would marry (two years before we did and a year before our engagement) I struggled so much with hopelessness. Once we were married, it was the most wonderful, blessed relief... But now, as we have been building up to IVF, it has come back, and I literally cannot - physically, spiritually, emotionally - believe anything good is going to happen to me... And in this instant, God showed me this is because I actually cannot hope or believe, because of this spirit of hopelessness.

So I am planning to have some chats with God about this over the next few days, and see what He tells me to do about it. I'm excited that He revealed this, because I know it must be because He wants me to tackle it... And things will change :).
But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 

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