See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Sunday 9 September 2012

In which I don't believe this is going to work

I know this is just another bitter infertile woman moaning, but - another school friend has had a baby. Apparently his wife pushed it out in 6 hours with only gas and air. Of course she did. She is clearly the baby maker extraordinaire. And I am some kind of shrivelled wombless old steak.

Oh, and one of other 11,22 carriers is having her FOURTH baby!! Yes, that's right, fourth. (One has ES.)

The thing is, I'm not the same as 'infertile' women, because we haven't had the agonising years and years of charting and failing to fall pregnant.

And yet, I'm not the same as the other BT carriers, because I do have a fairly serious fertility issue, and if we tried naturally, I am 99.9% sure we would have the joy of the agonising years of charting and failing. I've had three periods since coming off the Pill in September 2011, and probably haven't ovulated. And, of course, if we eventually did fall - probably only with the aid of Clomid or similar - there would be a 50% chance it would miscarry, or have very serious health issues throughout it's life.

And so I'm even jealous of other carriers, because they have a lot more chances to have healthy babies than I do.

And jealous of other infertile women, because they can transfer all their embryos back, instead of just 10-20%, and they therefore get to a lot more FETs than us PGD-ers.

I have this feeling really deep inside at the moment that this isn't going to work... That we are doing this as a step towards realising adoption or fostering is what we have to do. I don't feel too negative about it; I just feel resigned, a bit sad, but also trusting in God and His provision - much better in that regard than I have been the past few months.

All the things against us just seem too much. There's a lady on Fertility Friends at our clinic, who is the only other person I've come across with such a high antral follicle count as mine, and her first two cycles haven't gone well (she's my age, as well). She hasn't produced enough good quality eggs - Care are so worried about her over-responding to the medication (developing OHSS) that she has in act under-responded. And what it seems to me, from other women with PCOS I have come across, is that a lot of our follicles develop but very few produce usable eggs, because too many are trying to produce eggs at once.

With PGD, we need a fair number of good quality eggs to give us a chance of a healthy embryo.

This doesn't mean we won't get an embryo, but it does mean the chances are against us more than some doing PGD.

I honestly don't mind how we have a child - I just want to parent and be a family. I'd love to adopt; I'd feel it was such an honour that we were being entrusted with such a vulnerable being. And I know my husband, and what a big, kind, and generous heart he has... And I know me: how I can welcome and love pretty much anyone into my life; how much patience I have with people, especially when they are struggling or disadvantaged; and I know my heart and how I could love and look after any child - biology really doesn't mean anything to me, and is not the reason I am doing PGD... I don't have that urge a lot of people have to have a child of my flesh and blood; I have an urge to parent and create a good life for a child, a person. I hope adoption is for us, it's something that is really deeply entrenched in my heart now, after all these years of thinking about it. But, in all honesty, I would like to live in a perfect world, and have both biological and adopted children. When I think of that dream, I have to remind myself that God knows what is best for me, and I do not. If I could run my life, I would make a total mess of it.

And so why try to have a biological child? At the moment, I'm not so sure. This - PGD - feels dangerous (emotionally and physically), and it is exhausting to think that we will likely have to do several cycles. I want to carry a baby, and I want to give birth, and I want to look after and nurse a newborn (oh! how much! it makes me choke up just thinking about it). But do I want to do those things enough to risk my health by going through this invasive and time-consuming procedure which has such a low chance of success?

However, I also know that we are not ready to adopt. Pete has rights as well as me, and this decision isn't mine alone. In fact, about a year ago, I very clearly heard God speak to me (it was precious and a very rare moment for me). I was stressing about whether PGD was 'right' or not, and God almost shook me by the shoulders: He reminded me that my husband has hopes, dreams and needs, that I am a family now I am married, and that PGD is something my husband wants to do. And since that moment I have not worried. When the doubts creep in, I don't let them interfere with the process - I am doing this for Pete, and because he has a right to hope and dream as well.

I also have previous mental health issues, and I had an unhappy childhood, so I am sure we will be screened and double screened prior to any potential adoption. And whether we would even be able to adopt - whether this is just some nice dream - is of major concern to me. Major, because I know how wrong it would be if we were refused, and what good adoptive parents we could make. And major because I've heard a lot about how hard the adoption screening process is, and how many people are turned down - and how much mental health problems can count against peoples' chances. Adoption definitely wouldn't be a done deal for us. And so, in order to move forward with the adoptive process, I would want to be in a really, really good position. I know we're not in that place now. It would be a process to get to that stage, and if that stage comes without a biological child coming first, it will mean mourning and giving up that dream.

All of this seems so long and drawn-out. I want to be a mother now; I feel ready now - to think it could be another 3 or 4 years before we are parents is exhausting. Honestly, it feels unfair that we have to go through all of this. It especially feels unfair because I have (sob! violins!) been so unhappy and so unwell for most of my life. Everything is hard for me. And so why wouldn't creating a family be hard? It follows the pattern of my life. And it hurts, it hurts really deep inside that this is one more of life's parties I am left out of; one more of life's rites of passages that is a challenge and maybe impossible for me. Yet another thing I have to fight for - I have fought so long now just for my right to life, and that fight seemed to come to an end... Only to start up again with this process. The most simple, biological act is another thing I have to fight for; and I've had to give up another dream - that of getting a degree - in the progress; another reminder of the scars of my childhood.

And so, I really hope - against hope and all my instincts - that PGD will work for us, and that we won't have to do endless cycles in order to get that BFP. I hope that a BFP is in our future. I hope that we don't have 3 or 4 years ahead of us. I hope that the road will be smooth.

But honestly? I am not the kid who gets picked for things. And so I can't believe it's going to happen - and whether that's intuition, the culmination of previous experiences, or my mind trying to protect me, I don't know.

I do feel bad writing my feelings down, as if I am jinxing this. As if, if I could just plaster on a positive face, all would be well and we would get our BFP first cycle. There are a lot of people out there who would like to believe that is true. Our lodger keeps telling me that all I need to do is 'think positive' about it (all I need to do is strangle her when she says that!). But what I believe is that if anything harms the body, it is stress - and stress comes out of repression. At the moment, I don't feel stressed - having felt stressed for about six months, I now feel such an amazing and lovely sense of calm, peace, and God's presence. How I love Him. I feel sad, but that's not stress. And feeling sad is as feeling sad is, and if I'm acknowledging my feelings and dealing with them, in my opinion I will get through this process a whole lot better, whether it works or not. I don't want to pin all my hopes on it working, and miss the good plan God has for us, which might well have nothing to do with PGD. I trust Him that He can make good things out of anything - He made me out of dust! This is so much bigger than me, than us, than humanity and our limited imaginings.

All the same, I would like to fast forward through the bit where we wait to find out if this process is going to work or not.

(P.S. I may or may not have comfort eaten six milk chocolate digestives tonight.)

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