So... Four days after taking my last Provera tablet, right on time, period arrived! So happy... My body never behaves as it should in that regard, so I am over the moon that it complied :). It must sound like such a small thing but it's led me to feel so very positive!
I started taking Microgynon pill on the first day, and now I hang tight for three weeks. A little nervous about whether I will get a withdrawal bleed from the Pill, as I didn't with my previous experiences of the Pill. I took it for 2 1/2 years after meeting my husband with not a single bleed in the whole of that time. However, with Provera working so well, I do feel much more optimistic about it.
I really can't wait to get started now. Trying to think of every small step as one step closer to having a child, whenever and however that might be.
I would love it if our first cycle worked but I want to also be realistic about the fact that it is more likely not to, and that that doesn't mean PGD won't work for us. Our friend's mum works at a fertility centre and she said most babies 'take' on the second or third cycle in her experience.
So the first cycle is just one step closer :).
This is all very difficult for me, as I am a planner, and would like to decide exactly when and how we will have a child. If I could, I would have a 10 year plan in my head detailing what the genders would be, how many we would have, and how far apart or close together we would have our children. Reminding myself at every available opportunity that GOD knows when we should be parents and in what way; however, I'm not seeing much evidence of this sinking in ;).
I have many, many anxieties: about whether I would be a good mum if I was an 'older' mum, about how hard things will be if it takes us several years to have a family from this point, and about whether we will get any 'good' embryos. Infertility has to be the most powerless I've felt in my life this far, although I've had a lot of times when I felt out of control or unable to control a situation.
I often relate it to the time I had suspected brain tumour or multiple sclerosis at 21. It was only a matter of weeks from me first presenting GP with symptoms, with her then panicking and rushing me into see a neurologist the next day, until getting the MRI results back (clear!). However, the imprint of that time has never left me. I had never faced anything of that magnitude and I remember lying awake at night wondering if I had something fatal growing in my head and how I would know, and whether I was going to die. It is by far the most scared I have ever been, ever, and it led me develop an eating disorder and an absolute belief I had throat cancer (?!) shortly afterwards. Deep in the midst of my throat cancer fears, I remember watching my granny die and absolutely believing I would see her again very soon. It was also only a few days after my granny died that I learnt about how serious the translocation is.
After learning about the translocation, my mental health deteriorated sharply and rapidly. I was at breakdown point within weeks, and I guess I could say that was my first real breakdown. I became increasingly convinced of the throat cancer. I limited my food more and more, calorie counting obsessively, and pushing myself to exercise more and more.
My ex asked me to get help - his dad died suddenly, so he no longer had the emotional resources to support me being crazy - and I went to the GP and broke down in tears. He referred me for mental health help and the result is where I am today - with several mental health diagnoses and years of counselling, both of which I have found very helpful (yes, even the diagnoses!).
The thing is, when I look back, it was such a bizarre time. I went from being worried about my own mortality to being told 50% of my pregnancies would be severely disabled to my granny and my ex's parents dying. I felt like the angel of death, and I absolutely 100% believed that God hated me and was punishing me for all my flaws.
So I guess that's why I find it hard to relax and trust (even though, as my husband pointed out, that episode eventually turned out well), and why deep down I still have a suspicion that I do not deserve good things and that God is punishing me... A 'good things are for other people, not for me' mentality. My husband does not understand why I think like this but I think if you look objectively at my situation it makes perfect sense. Huge things have happened in my life that were unplanned for and unwanted - my parents' divorce, severe mental illness, infertility. At 27 I neither have a job nor a degree, and I have spent 3 years of my 20s out of work; 2 of those on disability benefit. My reality is that tragedy happens, that unwanted things happen, and that the 'good things' seem to pass me by.
I would very much like to break this thinking... And I have also been very, very EXCEPTIONALLY lucky in maybe the biggest area of my life: marrying my husband. I hope very much that this kind of thinking will not dominate my life from here-on-out. But at the moment, in all honesty, I cannot trust in my safe deliverance from our childless state as my husband can.
Saying that, every little thing that goes right - e.g. my period arriving on time - boosts my confidence and gives me hope. So today is a very happy day :).
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