Grief and Hope

Today, I have been thinking about how to deal with this coming roller-coaster.  It seems to me that on one hand it's very, very ok for it to feel hard and overwhelming, as one deals with the grief of not being able to conceive as other people do. Grief is a sucker. I have times of grief interspersed with much less intense periods; periods which are becoming increasingly joyous and longer and longer as time goes on. When I get into the good periods, especially during this past year - which has been the best year of my life (amazing!!!) - it is easy for me to feel that the grief is done, over with, I have "dealt" with it. Then it returns and I feel cross with myself because I feel that I have failed.

I haven't failed.

Grief is part of acceptance. Grief is part of life. To allow space to grieve can be life-changing. All these things are true.

But, as I said to hubby earlier, my entire 20s thus far (I'm 26 and had that initial genetics appointment at 21) have been taken up with the translocation. It has ruled my life: there has not been a single day I haven't thought about it since that blasted day five years ago. I have been so stuck and so lonely on planet TRANSLOCATION and I'd like to leave for another destination quite soon please.

It was a strange thought to think that my 30s could be quite different altogether. Hopefully, our 30s will be a new chapter of our lives. We could be done with TRANSLOCATION.

(During this post TRANSLOCATION has become a Transformer-type creature speaking in a robotic voice... Trans-lo-ca-tion.)

But, in regards to how I feel at the moment, while a lot is grief, a lot is anxiety and over-worrying as well. The grief will change, evolve, disperse. Anxiety I can learn to manage better. Each new situation throws up new challenges. There is a big challenge here in how to deal with this anxiety.

To accept the roller-coaster; to feel at peace with it and with God, trusting Him - that is where I want to be. He wants to teach me about getting there through this process... I'm excited! Just writing that sentence fills me with excitement!! I'm going to grow!