Good News and Dead Babies

Two things today:

1) We've had some news! The doctor who wrote the PGD funding policy emailed me last Friday. (I'd emailed the board who wrote the policy, asking for a definition of infertility in relation to the PGD guidelines, and then forgotten I'd sent it - was focused on trying to accept the present and live in peace not fear.) He said he couldn't give a definition without knowing our circumstances. He also said to ask any other questions I had.

So I nervously sat on it all weekend and emailed him with our circumstances on Monday. I didn't expect to hear from him for another week or so at least. So it was AMAZING to hear back from him right way, especially as he said he didn't think PCOS would qualify us infertile (he did say that PCOS varies in severity, to cover his back) and that we should qualify for the funding. Have been in such a better mood since hearing that. Praise the Lord for His goodness; He keeps me so safe.

However, having given into the fears, I am now living in a world where I have recognised all of the potential things that might go wrong for us, so I am still living in the present and trying not to fear. This experience has really brought home how shallow my faith really is. That's fine - it's as deep as it's needed to be, so far - but from now on it's time to work on a new faith; a faith in which I love and trust the Lord in a way I never dreamed existed before.

Also, it's coming home to me lately that even if all goes as well as could be, we will only ever have one baby. Please don't think I would be ungrateful for this - I would feel so blessed to have a baby. Please don't think I would be ungrateful if we adopted in the case of this not working for us, either. I would truly feel so honoured to be a mum in whatever way it comes. But to know I will only birth one baby; that we will only have one baby from birth; only see one baby in those first few days, weeks, and months of life - that does make me feel sad. When I see women with large families, through facebook friends or blogs (it hurts more online for some reason), I am so jealous and so sad.

I've always loved newborn babies so very much.

2) I've found myself reading 'dead baby' blogs lately (just the past couple of weeks or so) - blogs by women who have lost children. I don't know why - partly feeling I have lost children, I guess, and partly wanting to know something of what 'should' have been my lot, under other circumstances. I find myself thinking about how one of our children won't exist. We have two names picked out, but we will only ever use one. (When/if we adopt, their name/s will already be fixed, according to UK adoption laws.) I always assume our baby will be a boy. So does my husband. So I find myself thinking of the Light - how we will never know her. I can picture her; I have such a vivid picture of her. And it feels like a loss; it feels like something's been taken away from me, that we're being attacked. (Which I do believe we are.)

I find myself obsessively going over baby names in my head. What would be pick for a second boy? Thinking of names I like; names that mean something to me and I'd like to pass on - and then, how I never will.

I have been picturing little memorial stones in the garden, to mark the children we've had taken away from us. A place where they will never be forgotten; a place where I can remember them.