Today we had our 8 week scan. It was an internal scan and performed at the IVF clinic. I was very worried about this scan as a PGD friend, who also has a balanced translocation, had a MMC (missed miscarriage) at her 8 week scan around the time we had our positive pregnancy test. It was her fourth MC but her first PGD cycle and she had never seen a live baby at a scan. I was sick with nerves from for the month prior to the scan that the same thing would happen to us, and I didn't enjoy that time at all (that's why I didn't blog!). I completely dreaded the scan but at the same time counted down the days!!!
Having the scan was amazing. I couldn't look at the screen because I was so nervous. And then the nurse said, "There's your baby," in the softest, gentlest voice - she knew how nervous I was - and we could see the little heart beating and it was totally amazing! I had to choke back tears, it was so emotional, and afterwards we went to Sainsbury's to pick up a few bits and I was still being completely overcome by these waves of tearful relief.
I felt that God had been telling me that if the scan went well, I would be able to relax, trust Him, and enjoy being pregnant... I trust Him, so, we shall see! I do hope the next weeks are going to be much more enjoyable! I feel terrible being in a position to enjoy the blessing I've hoped for for so long and yet being unable to; I feel very broken by all this infertility and heartache.
I've also been thinking back a lot to the MC I had almost five years ago (before I met my husband, and while I was with my previous long-term boyfriend), and have been so taken aback by how much grieving I had still to do for that. I've never really allowed myself to grieve it (except for at the immediate time when I was devastated). I didn't 'want' to be pregnant, it was an accident, and I didn't acknowledge that I was pregnant until I miscarried - I hadn't even taken a test. And I knew WHY I miscarried, carrying a balanced translocation really brings a bonus in that way, so I haven't even had to wonder if I did something to cause it. A few months later I broke up with my boyfriend and met my husband, and I was glad not to have a child tying me to my ex. I then had a breakdown and tackled my mental health and I realised how very incapable I would have been as a parent. But seeing the miscarriage phlegmatically and rationally like that has stopped me from seeing the sadness of it all, and understanding how let down I feel by my body.
So there's a lot of stuff to work through, but I'm very, VERY happy!!!
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