A little PGD progess, and why I find it hard to relax

So... Four days after taking my last Provera tablet, right on time, period arrived! So happy... My body never behaves as it should in that regard, so I am over the moon that it complied :). It must sound like such a small thing but it's led me to feel so very positive!

I started taking Microgynon pill on the first day, and now I hang tight for three weeks. A little nervous about whether I will get a withdrawal bleed from the Pill, as I didn't with my previous experiences of the Pill. I took it for 2 1/2 years after meeting my husband with not a single bleed in the whole of that time. However, with Provera working so well, I do feel much more optimistic about it.

I really can't wait to get started now. Trying to think of every small step as one step closer to having a child, whenever and however that might be.

I would love it if our first cycle worked but I want to also be realistic about the fact that it is more likely not to, and that that doesn't mean PGD won't work for us. Our friend's mum works at a fertility centre and she said most babies 'take' on the second or third cycle in her experience.

So the first cycle is just one step closer :).

This is all very difficult for me, as I am a planner, and would like to decide exactly when and how we will have a child. If I could, I would have a 10 year plan in my head detailing what the genders would be, how many we would have, and how far apart or close together we would have our children. Reminding myself at every available opportunity that GOD knows when we should be parents and in what way; however, I'm not seeing much evidence of this sinking in ;).

I have many, many anxieties: about whether I would be a good mum if I was an 'older' mum, about how hard things will be if it takes us several years to have a family from this point, and about whether we will get any 'good' embryos. Infertility has to be the most powerless I've felt in my life this far, although I've had a lot of times when I felt out of control or unable to control a situation.

I often relate it to the time I had suspected brain tumour or multiple sclerosis at 21. It was only a matter of weeks from me first presenting GP with symptoms, with her then panicking and rushing me into see a neurologist the next day, until getting the MRI results back (clear!). However, the imprint of that time has never left me. I had never faced anything of that magnitude and I remember lying awake at night wondering if I had something fatal growing in my head and how I would know, and whether I was going to die. It is by far the most scared I have ever been, ever, and it led me develop an eating disorder and an absolute belief I had throat cancer (?!) shortly afterwards. Deep in the midst of my throat cancer fears, I remember watching my granny die and absolutely believing I would see her again very soon. It was also only a few days after my granny died that I learnt about how serious the translocation is.

After learning about the translocation, my mental health deteriorated sharply and rapidly. I was at breakdown point within weeks, and I guess I could say that was my first real breakdown. I became increasingly convinced of the throat cancer. I limited my food more and more, calorie counting obsessively, and pushing myself to exercise more and more.

My ex asked me to get help - his dad died suddenly, so he no longer had the emotional resources to support me being crazy - and I went to the GP and broke down in tears. He referred me for mental health help and the result is where I am today - with several mental health diagnoses and years of counselling, both of which I have found very helpful (yes, even the diagnoses!).

The thing is, when I look back, it was such a bizarre time. I went from being worried about my own mortality to being told 50% of my pregnancies would be severely disabled to my granny and my ex's parents dying. I felt like the angel of death, and I absolutely 100% believed that God hated me and was punishing me for all my flaws.

So I guess that's why I find it hard to relax and trust (even though, as my husband pointed out, that episode eventually turned out well), and why deep down I still have a suspicion that I do not deserve good things and that God is punishing me... A 'good things are for other people, not for me' mentality. My husband does not understand why I think like this but I think if you look objectively at my situation it makes perfect sense. Huge things have happened in my life that were unplanned for and unwanted - my parents' divorce, severe mental illness, infertility. At 27 I neither have a job nor a degree, and I have spent 3 years of my 20s out of work; 2 of those on disability benefit. My reality is that tragedy happens, that unwanted things happen, and that the 'good things' seem to pass me by.

I would very much like to break this thinking... And I have also been very, very EXCEPTIONALLY lucky in maybe the biggest area of my life: marrying my husband. I hope very much that this kind of thinking will not dominate my life from here-on-out. But at the moment, in all honesty, I cannot trust in my safe deliverance from our childless state as my husband can.

Saying that, every little thing that goes right - e.g. my period arriving on time - boosts my confidence and gives me hope. So today is a very happy day :).

Provera is making me insane (not that it takes much!)

This drug is making me into a mad woman!! Not the best when my mental health is already pretty compromised...

Spent about an hour and a half sobbing under the duvet earlier (this was after getting an email from a pastor at church in which I thought she seemed 'off' - yup, crazy!), after staying up late last night to cry (fun times! who doesn't stay up at night to cry?).

I have been having bad PMS since coming off the Pill, but nothing like this. It feels like there's no colour in the world, and everything's against me. I also cannot see the point in us bothering to do IVF, as it's clearly not going to work. And my healthy diet - what's that?

I really wish my periods would behave, then I wouldn't have to take this rubbish. I'm sure Provera is probably fine for really balanced people. When you're an already-crazy taking it, that's a recipe for disaster!

It's also been giving me hot flushes, so I feel like maybe I'm going into the menopause, and my skin is terrible.

On the last day of it, I had really severe aches and pains, like I was getting flu or a virus.

(For the context, I took Provera for a week, at 10mg. My last pill was two nights ago, and now I am sitting around waiting for AF to come.)

Anaemia, Metformin, and an AAAAAAH Moment!

Sorry, this is going to be a very ranty post. It also contains talk of bodily functions so please stay away if you don't want to know!!

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After being diagnosed anaemic and starting iron tablets recently, I started re-taking Metformin (a diabetes drug that is prescribed off-label for PCOS) at the consultant's say-so.

The story of Metformin is this:

I was prescribed it at our first IVF appointment (21/06/12), and told to take it at 500mg for two days, then 1000mg for two days, and then increase to 1500mg and stay there. The consultant warned me I might feel sick and not to keep going if it was really bad.

Once I got to 1500mg things got really bad  - diarrhoea every other day (with no poops in between!). I also felt nauseous all the time. Thinking of eating made me feel sick. Not good.

After 10 days or so I had an attack of vertigo that kept me in bed all day (I think this was 05/07/12). Phoned consultant and she said STOP taking Metformin and get to a GP TODAY (she also said, if you can't see one, go to A&E; luckily the GP fit me in at end of surgery). I was pretty freaked out!

GP ordered blood tests. I made an appointment to discuss the results and on 16/07/12 was told I am anaemic. I figured this was because a) I am now and have always been a veggie, and b) my periods returned last autumn after a 2 1/2 year absence.

Phoned consultant with the results and she said I could go back on the Metformin if I wanted, but to go more slowly: take it at 500mg for a week, and then start 1000mg, but not to increase from there.

500mg was fine; had no side effects, so I stayed there a little longer than a week! I felt terrible (insomnia and fatigue) all last week, but as I hadn't yet been on iron tablets 2 weeks, I figured it was to do with that. I went up to 1000mg last Friday (27/07/12). Felt tired all weekend, but then OK-ish on Monday (30th) so figured things were sorting out.

I then had blood taken at CARE yesterday, and since then have felt terrible; the most fatigued I think I have ever felt: muscle cramps all over, fuzzy head feeling, headache, and so on. Slept 10 hours last night and yet was still woken by the alarm, and I could have slept much longer, but thought I should get up so as to not struggle with insomnia more. Felt totally unrefreshed by sleep. Feeling so sick today.

Knowing that this can't be normal (I love the way our bodies tell us things!), I had a google of Metformin side effects. Yes it causes fatigue... A google of 'Metformin and fatigue' led me to posts detailing how Metformin depletes the body's reserves of vitamin B12. I then looked up 'vitamin B12 deficiency'. Guess what that is? Anaemia.

So this is where I am now.

Normally I love doctors, trust them, and try to sing their praises as often as possible as I do think we assume super-human capabilities of doctors... They're only people too! But, having said that, seriously, two doctors missed that there is a link between Metformin and anaemia.

No wonder the anaemia got so much worse when I started on Metformin! As I had vertigo once just before starting Metformin (having never experienced vertigo before), I reckon I had it anyway, but it can only have made it worse...

I am feeling totally moany, fed up, and generally want a break from life right now! I am so fed up of anaemia; it is so draining and it really couldn't have come at a worse time. No wonder studying two Open Uni module alongside (something they don't recommend) was so hard, and I have enjoyed studying so much less.

I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to complete module #2 and am feeling very anxious and sorry for myself about that. Have got so behind with it.

What I would really really like is some time off from everything to spend with God.