The Weekend & my Infertility Song

So we had my dad, stepmum, and little brother Friday evening - 4.15pm Sunday, and now my mum is here, having arrived at 5pm! It was a little hair-raising trying to rush Dad & co. out before Mum arrived: that was not part of the plan!!! Divorced parents, who'd have 'em. Dad stayed later than planned; Mum simply had to come today (of course!!!) - but in the end all worked out well and everyone is in one piece. Mum is in bed now and will be off - accompanied by her little dog - at some point tomorrow. And then it will just be us in the house again (bliss!).

My stepmum's health isn't great; it seems to be one thing after another for her recently. She is a very dear person to me; I've known her since the age of 8 and am closer to her than Dad. When I was 11, I went to church with her and decided to be a Christian when I was older. She's really different to both my parents, and provided me with another model of adulthood when I was a teenager and my relationships with my parents were really strained and awful. She's kind, generous-hearted, thoughtful, and such a support. It might be really corny but she's taught me a lot about being a woman over the years, and she's definitely a third parent rather than a step-parent!

I have barely had time to think about IVF over the weekend, which has been great, but I also haven't had much time to feel God, and miss Him. I can't believe I am on day 6 of Norethisterone now; this time next week it will all be about to begin.

We went to church this morning (hubby and me) and I really needed that time of peace in amongst all the rushing around. I had tears streaming down my face during worship, which is really unlike me!

The band started worship with what's become my 'infertility song', which was really precious. I love how God never fails to speak so painfully intimately, even in a massive crowd of people.

Three years ago, the pastor of a church we were visiting had a picture of the ICSI procedure. It was a small church and we were the only people it meant anything to; whether PGD was 'right' or not was very much on my mind, and hubby and I had been thinking about it a lot. He prayed with us about it after the service, and while he was praying, this song played. Recently, every time I hear it, I remember that prayer and that pastor, and the song is providing comfort in a whole new way. I also like this song because it came out in 2007 so it's as old as my faith, and it was one of my favourite songs when I first became a Christian :). It's called 'Everlasting God' and is played a lot in churches still.

The lyrics 'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord', and 'You lift us up on wings like eagles' are reminiscent of Isaiah 40:31, which I love:

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Updates - Am Now Up One Job!!!

IVF Update

My smear result came through normal today so we are officially good to go...

It's CD22 and day 4 on Norethisterone. Side effects so far are period cramps (lower back), smelly wee, and hot flushes. I haven't read the side effects leaflet because I freak myself out with them, and I tend to get all the side effects listed, which I figured might be psychologically induced. Hoping the period pain will die down a bit because it's pretty bad this evening and I don't fancy 6 more days of it.

Job Update

Ta-da! I have been offered a job! God is so good and amazing!!!! I so need this encouragement at the moment, and He is so good to bless me in this way! He is reminding me of His goodness with every. single. little. thing. at the moment, and I am blown away by His attention to detail and general care and love for me. It all makes me feel so safe and fearless!

The circumstances of getting the job were really obviously God as well, because there were a lot of similarities to when I last interviewed for jobs (and got my last job) - five years ago this month (five = period of grace).

I had a feeling I would get the job I did because it was the second job I interviewed for (five years ago I got the second job); I wasn't even sure whether to apply for it because instinctively - before going there - I didn't want to work there (same as with the job I got five years ago), and then when I did visit the place at interview, I loved it and really wanted to work there (same as five years ago). I had a lovely time at the first interview; the people were lovely and really put me at ease, and the place had a nice atmosphere; but I had a really strong feeling that I wouldn't get the job; something didn't feel right. It was a few too many hours; it was difficult to get to; I would have had to work Sundays, at least for a bit; and it wasn't in the area I really wanted to be in. And after the second interview I thought 'this is the job for me'. I felt a bit mad thinking all of this - why would I hear God so clearly on it? - but then it all worked out exactly as I thought He was saying, so I am beyond encouraged and grateful to Him. After I had the call to say I'd got it, my husband said he'd had a dream the night before that I got it, which really encourages us about the dream he had last weekend! The job itself seems to fit all my needs really well, and I am really excited to start!!! God is SO good! (Did I mention He is good?! Lol!)

Also I'm really encouraged because the feedback from both interviews was really good. Five years ago, the feedback I got was about how obviously nervous I was; this time I didn't feel particularly nervous at all, in either interview! It was totally blessed! I struggle so badly with nerves a lot of the time, and yet I enjoyed myself (is that crazy to say?!) in both interviews. Bonkers. Even the job I didn't get fed back so well; the lady said I was 'lovely' three times, how well they thought I'd get on with the team, how well I scored on some of the questions, how high the standard was, and how they'd encourage me to apply again. I came off the phone on a complete high, despite just having had a rejection!! She said the areas I scored low on were areas I didn't have experience of (up-selling, locking-up), and that the girl who got the job had experience in those areas. It was just such lovely feedback, I was so touched she took the effort to be so encouraging, and it has made that interview such a lovely memory to look back on.

Anyway, really rambling on a lot now, but I am just so blown away by all God has done in the past five years. He has done so much in my life and He blesses me so abundantly. The same verse   I wrote about a few months ago comes to mind (Ephesians 3:20):

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine! Honestly, why on earth do I ever doubt He can provide me with all I need? He is so surprising and so exciting.

Facebook

So I have been feeling for a while like the Lord might be asking me to deactivate my Facebook account for a bit; this week He has blatantly confirmed that. We have my dad, stepmum, and little brother staying tonight until Sunday, and then my mum staying Sunday night, so I probably won't get around to it until Monday (having had my account over 5 years I don't really feel right rushing it; I want to say goodbye - even if it's just for a bit!).

Facebook hasn't been doing me any good for a while; earlier this year when I was getting really down about being infertile, I spent a lot of time obsessing over which of my FB friends have kids yet and how old people were when they had their kids. Recently this has turned into fearing I am going to see a pregnancy announcement every time I go on. From other peoples' experiences with infertility, I know this is totally normal, but I don't want to be an obsessive and jealous person and I really need a break.

Also, more recently, I have found that my Facebook support groups (IVF PGD support group, IVF support group, general balanced translocation support group) are causing me a lot of anxiety, as I worry about all the things that can go wrong from seeing other peoples' experiences, and it is totally distracting me from having faith and trust in God. I miss the 11,22 support group (that one is very different in nature and not anxiety inducing) but it will still be there in the future!

I use the Fertility Friends forum a bit; I find it a lot easier not to get over involved with that one. I think because it is so large and has so many threads, it is easy to find one's own niche: I only follow the one thread, and that doesn't see much action, so it is very unintrusive. I have met some ladies through Fertility Friends who have been a real blessing. Last month I met up with a girl from there in person: but that is a story for another day as I am tired, and that was an exciting God thing so I want to do it justice.

Mountain-Moving Faith

In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says:

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

This verse has been on my mind a lot recently. What does it mean? What is Jesus trying to say to us?

I have read this verse quoted in books as to mean whatever we want can and will happen for us, if we just have enough faith. Just have more faith, and what you desire will come true. And that's how I've always thought of this verse as well.

Recently, my interpretation of it this way has been troubling me, and I can't get the verse out of my mind (which is a sure sign, in my book, that God's trying to get my attention about it!).

Does God really desire us to have everything we want; in this world, here and now? If we had everything we want, we would be like spoilt children, and not learn anything. I believe that God designed the world to be perfect and free of suffering, but that it is no longer like that, and that He uses the suffering we do experience to reveal His nature to us. The rest of the Bible doesn't seem to say that God is going to always miraculously make things materially better for us - but it does say that things can always be spiritually better; and that's what counts, after all.

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul doesn't tell us to pray for our situation to change, but instead to learn to be content in the situation:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Jesus himself was someone who suffered a great deal. That burden was not taken away from him. And neither does Jesus seem to want it to be, although even he has his moments of doubt.

Look what happens when Jesus wants his circumstances to be changed (Luke 22:41-43):

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

Oh, that this would be my faith! I find Jesus's vulnerability so heart-breaking in this passage. He faces death; he prays for it to be taken away from him; and yet, even in this moment, he prays 'Your will not mine'.

And when Jesus prays for circumstances to be changed, instead of this happening (and doesn't Jesus have much greater faith than a mustard-seed?), 'an angel appears and strengthens him'. The mission is not changed, but Jesus is able to take it on.

This is exactly what the Lord has been speaking to me about recently, through Matthew 17:20. Every time that verse comes to mind, the niggling thought accompanies it: what if the mountain-moving isn't a change of mission (which will happen exactly as God plans it, no matter what I pray), but a change of heart? Isn't that more of a mountain for God to move - to strengthen us to be content in the circumstances facing us?

This verse has really been strengthening my faith lately. I know that, even if this PGD doesn't work out as I'd like, and - like Jesus - I pray for someone else's lot instead, I can ask God to change my heart. Nothing is impossible for Him, and nothing is unbearable with Him.

Updates

IVF Progress

It's CD18 (cycle day 18): I started Norethisterone this moring.

Really feeling very unprepared and nervous at the moment! Stepping forward in faith, and that means more than it ever has done before. Been listening to lots of worship music (and singing embarrassingly loudly) while doing the washing up and cooking, keeping up with daily Bible study as often as possible, and also have started a lovely book called 'The Father Heart of God'. All of these things are really helping me to chill out, relax, and keep my focus where it needs to be.

Had my thyroid function results back yesterday; my TSH level is 0.19, which is a little low, so Maha (our consultant at Care) has recommended dropping my thyroxine dose from 100mg to 75, and then retesting blood in a month (when I will be in the middle of cycling.... Whaaaaaat?! How did that come round so quickly?!).

Also had a smear test last Wednesday; waiting on results of that as final OK that we are good to go ahead with this cycle. Clinics like you to be up to date on smears before doing IVF treatment.

Other Updates

I had one job interview last Friday and another one this morning (2 different jobs). The one last Friday was my first for five years, and I was sooooo nervous! Less nervous than when I started volunteering last year though, and I think a lot less nervous than the job interviews I had five years ago, so that was really good and reassuring. I'm waiting to hear sometime today about the first job, and tomorrow about the second job. It would be really nice to have a new job to start to take my mind off treatment, and both are part-time and would fit really well around hospital visits, but I am totally trusting God with this one. The last job I did (I can't believe I started that five years ago now!) was so perfect and divinely appointed that it was actually one of the things that started me believing in Him, so it's a lot easier, and comes much more naturally to me, to trust Him with jobs than trusting Him with our future family does.

With both job interviews, my hubby has prayed for me the night before, and I have really appreciated that and have found it helps me sleep a lot better and generally feel a lot calmer. I was a bit more freaked out today than I was on Friday, because today's interview coincided with starting Norethisterone, which makes IVF seem so real, so I went to the loo just before the interview, thanked Jesus that we can call on him, and welcomed the Holy Spirit's presence... I instantly felt so calm, and now that the interview is over, I feel a bit better about impending IVF as well.

Our little doggy has also been under the weather for a few days; he has a nasty cut to his face which he has been scratching and licking incessantly, so we are getting him a cone this evening! Poor little dude!

Happy-Sad

Earlier, hubby and I took the dogs (we have Mum's dog staying at the moment, hence the plural) for a walk. We kept intersecting paths with this same couple out walking with their primary-aged kids. One of the little girls called, "Mummy!", and ran to catch her mother up.

Watching this family, I thought, "This is so normal to them. They're just walking about and this is everyday life. Having children is as normal for them as having a dog is for us."

And when the little girl called 'Mummy', I thought, "Will that ever be me? Will I be 'Mummy' one day?"

This is such a strange time. We have so much to be happy and thankful for, and I am noticing that every day at the moment; much more than I normally do. I feel lucky. Everybody has things that aren't as they'd plan them in their lives. So I wouldn't plan to be infertile. I'm still an incredibly lucky person. I met, fell in love with, and married the love of my life; all in my early 20s. That's pretty darn lucky. I'm part of an exciting, exciting church; and I follow an exciting, exciting Jesus. I had some inheritance, so we were able to buy a house. We didn't even have to scrimp and save to do so, the money was just there. And I have the cutest little dog in the world.

I am so thankful for the basic things, the things I take for granted: I'm white, I'm educated, I'm middle class, I was born in England, our healthcare is paid for. I worry that we can't conceive - not that I will be raped, catch AIDS, die in childbirth, or that my child won't have enough to eat. We have more than enough food every day, and that's something I take for granted. We have clean water on tap. We have enough money to live comfortably. I am free to marry the man I choose, and I am free to be a Christian. I have opportunities, and I have options. My life is very much my own.

The world is a beautiful, beautiful place for me. I am lucky enough to enjoy it, and, as I said, I feel lucky at the moment. Really, truly, incredibly lucky and blessed.

But at the same time, there's this sadness. I have everything I need. But I can't do everything I am biologically intended to and designed for. I love my husband, I love children, but I can't give him a child.

I'll get over it, if I have to. I feel sure of that at the moment. If it's not to be for us, it won't kill me. So I don't feel panicky, desperate, or engulfed - as I did earlier in the year, and in the years immediately after learning about the translocation.

BUT. But. I feel sad. I'm grateful for the things I have, I recognise that they vastly outnumber and outweigh the things that I do not have, and I mourn the things I do not have. Sometimes, I mourn the loss of my teens and early adulthood; the years I spent battling with my mental health. I'm grateful things are better now. But I mourn the loss of life I had during those years and the impact that has on my life. And I mourn the babies. Oh, I mourn the babies.

Whether we are able to have a family or not, our lives will never be the same; will never be unaffected by my infertility. And so I accept it; I talk about it; I even embrace it as part of me. It wasn't chosen... And yet, it is welcome. You see, had I not had the mental health battles, I would not be the person I am now: maybe not have met my husband, not have questioned my conditions of worth, not have faith. I'm very glad to have those things.

And so, this unchosen passenger is welcome, here, with me.

Happy-sad.

Dreams and Prophecy

I love dreams; recording them, remembering them, interpreting them.

Every so often, I will have a really vivid dream that will have a huge impact on my life. Throughout my teens and while I was at university, I had a recurring dream about going into labour. In this dream, I wouldn't know I was pregnant until shortly before going into labour. Aside from the world ending, labour was my biggest fear when I was younger (funny how life turns out!), so this dream was really a nightmare. I would go into labour, but never have the baby.

My first counsellor thought this dream was about putting a lot of effort into something but not getting anything out. This made a lot of sense to me, as I would get it when I was particularly stressed about academic work. Generally in my life when I was younger, I would put a lot of effort into things but not see results, because I would get so stressed out that I'd stop functioning.

I had the same dream summer 2011 (I haven't had it since, and hadn't had it in a few years), but in the dream I had the baby. The feeling from the dream was one of immense relief. I took that as reassurance that it was indeed time to go back to studying. And studying did go so much better than at any time in my life before - my grades were so much better, and I found it easy generally to actually finish assignments.

But then, in the spring, I started to get the same feeling - stressing out too much to actually get any work done, and I realised I based so much of how I saw myself on being able to finish my degree and on the grades I got. And it was like a prison.

And then of course in August the Lord spoke to me about letting go of it. And doing so has brought so much joy and freedom into my life.

I don't think I was wrong about the dream last summer. I think it was time to go back - I was ready to learn the lesson I needed to.

But the subject matter of the dream - the struggle to give birth to a baby - seems basically prophetic about the real struggle of my early adulthood. And it seems, looking back, that while I associated the dream with academic struggle, really the dream is telling me to focus on something else, and what my journey would be.

Last night hubby and I both dreamt of babies being born. My husband is dreaming fairly often about babies at the moment. These dreams, last night, are the first dreams I can think of in which names have been given to babies, and in which that has been the focus of the dream. For both of us to dream of baby names at the same time seems really significant!

He dreamt we had a baby boy and called it 'Rex'. Apparently it was born red and I said it looked like my little brother when born (he was also born red - cooked too long!). 'Rex' means 'King', which is so reassuring: reminding me that the Lord is the Lord of birth, and that He is king over this whole area of our life.

I dreamt that one of my bridesmaids (who got engaged this year) and her other half had a baby boy and called him 'Graeme'. In the dream I was jealous that she was the first of our uni house (she and I lived with another girl) to have a baby, but it was also what I expected, as she has been with her OH so long and is such a down-to-earth and homely person. Our other uni housemate and I went to see the baby, we were both on our way somewhere. And I talked to her about her labour, which was three days (but she carried on as normal for all but the last day - dream world is great!), and for pain relief she had a shot of pethidine. I can't think why that labour stuff is significant, but it was there in the dream so I thought I best write it down.

I googled 'Graeme', and apparently it means 'gravel' or 'grey homestead'.

'Grey' has been a bit of a theme for me this week; I already looked it up in my dream book ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen) for a picture I had at small group last Wednesday: it means  'confusion', 'uncertainty', 'vague', 'hidden'. And I'm thinking this dream is about confusion in all kinds of areas of my life: will I have a job and/or a baby; and where are we going to live, and when? I'm also confused about prophecy: I'm not sure where the various pictures and words around IVF and babies we have had through our journey are going to take us, and I'm not sure whether I can trust my ability to hear God, and deep down I am not sure whether I can trust God, and I feel that is really being put to the test through this trial.

I looked up 'gravel', and it has a positive and a negative meaning:

Positive - to lay a strong foundation in a ministry or a person's life.
Negative - bitterness, without joy; gravel is a symbol of something that is bitter or unpleasant. ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen.)

This speaks to me about everything I have been feeling about this situation we are in of being infertile and choosing IVF: I can approach it with bitterness and without joy, or I can allow it to form a strong foundation in my life and try to joyfully accept the lessons the Lord teaches me through it.

In the book, there is also a verse alongside 'gravel'; Luke 3:16:

John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire."

And that comforts me that the Holy Spirit is working in me at the moment, and it also speaks to me of this 'trial by fire' we are in at the moment: fire burns off what is unnecessary, it refines. Sometimes things are really painful, but it is all Jesus.

My dream speaks to me about this being a really confusing time - for our home, for our family - and also about the choice I have to make within that confusion. It reminds me that I don't have to worry; Jesus is 'more powerful than I': I am not fit to untie his shoelaces. It speaks of the importance of this time, it's testing and refining nature, and the 'strong foundation' it will lay in my life. I had a dream about a gravelly path earlier this year; that was about not doing things in my own strength; and this dream seems to link in with that.

My hubby's dream also reminds us that we don't have to worry: this may be a time of confusion, but it will pass, because He is King of all, and of this really intimate moment in our lives. It speaks also of Jesus's power and kingship over the situation. All will come good.

Six years ago I dreamed a dream

Nothing much to report, IVF-wise. We are in a lull at the moment, not taking any particular medications. I am loving it :). I'm finding it really easy to switch off and forget it's all happening - am loving 'savouring the moment' (a phrase my counsellor loves!) and taking the time to enjoy all that we have together. I feel really OK about IVF at the moment. I feel OK knowing that this may lead to a child or it may not. I feel OK knowing that things might happen that I do not understand. I feel able to trust God in the way that I used to, and am really enjoying being in a good place with Him. I feel close to Him again, and that is the most important thing for me. Feeling distant from Him over the summer was like losing a limb, all felt so wrong with the world.

The feeling of hope I wrote about last week hasn't left. I've really enjoyed it's presence; it's like a curtain has been lifted, and I can see through to all the stuff beyond, which is all sparkly and lovely. I am standing in the open doorway to a jewellers, and everything inside is already mine. The future seems really exciting, and I'm not thinking anywhere near as much as usual about whether we will have children or not. I am thinking about it, in relation to IVF and the fact that we are about to undergo our first cycle, but I've stopped obsessing all the time about whether I am going to be 'picked' to have children. It no longer feels like waiting to see if I've made the team. I've already made the team. I've already got the good stuff.

It's almost exactly six years at the moment since this whole journey began. That's important to me. Six years ago, I was sick, wondering if I had a brain tumour or MS, and wondering what my life was going to look like. I was so scared. I didn't know God, and I didn't feel loved. I read a book called 'The Time Traveller's Wife'; I stayed up all night to finish it; and God planted the desire in my heart to bear a child. I didn't know Him then, but that sweet and precious moment was as magnificently Him as anything since.

I didn't not want to have children because I don't like children, or didn't yearn to be a parent. I didn't not want children primarily because I was afraid of labour, or because I was worried about the genetic condition I knew I carried, although these both played a part. I didn't want to create children because I was brought up to believe that the world is coming to an end, well within my lifetime, and I was very angry that my parents, believing this, had chosen to have my brothers and me. When I looked at my half-brother, who's ten years younger, I didn't understand how anyone could choose to create something so innocent knowing what they did about our world. At this time I believed the things my father taught absolutely.

I always wanted to parent. I guess that started when my half-brother came along - I had no idea the depth of love I could feel. He is and always has been so special to me, and to all our family. So I had this deep desire to parent, combined with a sense of anger about the world (and the choices my parents had made) and a passion for social justice, and I decided I would adopt. That way I wouldn't be responsible for bringing the life into this broken world. I was actually terrified of falling pregnant and going into labour long before I was sexually active. My whole life was a mess of fear.

And so, when God planted that dream in my head, it said so much more than 'Seek to bear a child'. It said, 'It's ok to dream', and specifically, 'It's ok for you to dream'. It said, 'You don't have to punish yourself for the sins of the world'. It said, 'You have a hope and a future' (because, ultimately, my choice not to have children came out of a belief that there was no future for me at all). It said, 'Walk with me'.

When I had this special moment with God about bearing my own child - during which I saw a vision of a little boy, toddler age - I was still completely uneducated about the condition I carry. I didn't even know it's name! And so, as a result of this hope and vision, I asked to be referred for genetic counselling.

Eight months after that moment with God, I found out that the odds of me having an affected pregnancy were 1/2, and my world fell apart. That tentative hope I had been offered had been snatched away, and it was worse - much, much worse - than not having it at all. Everything changed, and everything grew much darker. I lost hope.

Over the years since that initial moment with God six years ago, I have tried to walk away and give up hope so many times. Each time, I have been offered a morsel; an offer so supernatural I remember God, and remember that this is not in my hands. He has spoken to us (and particularly to me alone - which is important to me, as I was the one to doubt the procedure) so clearly, and in so many ways, about doing IVF PGD that I have to trust and keep walking. Maybe we will have a child, and maybe we won't. But either way, I know that the only hope I have ever been offered is in the Lord. For the girl who had no hope, making that decision is a no-brainer. I go where He takes me, and I trust in His ways. Who am I to think I would have no life without children, or no hope without children? He gave me hope from dust and ashes before!

When I think back over the journey I've been on these long six years, I am reminded of how little hope rests in our physical circumstances. Six years ago, the world was just opening up for me, and yet I had never known hope. It took a miracle for me to taste hope - a drastic intervention by Jesus in my life. My physical circumstances may change with time, but nothing can take away that hope Jesus gave me. He will always be.