A little PGD progess, and why I find it hard to relax

So... Four days after taking my last Provera tablet, right on time, period arrived! So happy... My body never behaves as it should in that regard, so I am over the moon that it complied :). It must sound like such a small thing but it's led me to feel so very positive!

I started taking Microgynon pill on the first day, and now I hang tight for three weeks. A little nervous about whether I will get a withdrawal bleed from the Pill, as I didn't with my previous experiences of the Pill. I took it for 2 1/2 years after meeting my husband with not a single bleed in the whole of that time. However, with Provera working so well, I do feel much more optimistic about it.

I really can't wait to get started now. Trying to think of every small step as one step closer to having a child, whenever and however that might be.

I would love it if our first cycle worked but I want to also be realistic about the fact that it is more likely not to, and that that doesn't mean PGD won't work for us. Our friend's mum works at a fertility centre and she said most babies 'take' on the second or third cycle in her experience.

So the first cycle is just one step closer :).

This is all very difficult for me, as I am a planner, and would like to decide exactly when and how we will have a child. If I could, I would have a 10 year plan in my head detailing what the genders would be, how many we would have, and how far apart or close together we would have our children. Reminding myself at every available opportunity that GOD knows when we should be parents and in what way; however, I'm not seeing much evidence of this sinking in ;).

I have many, many anxieties: about whether I would be a good mum if I was an 'older' mum, about how hard things will be if it takes us several years to have a family from this point, and about whether we will get any 'good' embryos. Infertility has to be the most powerless I've felt in my life this far, although I've had a lot of times when I felt out of control or unable to control a situation.

I often relate it to the time I had suspected brain tumour or multiple sclerosis at 21. It was only a matter of weeks from me first presenting GP with symptoms, with her then panicking and rushing me into see a neurologist the next day, until getting the MRI results back (clear!). However, the imprint of that time has never left me. I had never faced anything of that magnitude and I remember lying awake at night wondering if I had something fatal growing in my head and how I would know, and whether I was going to die. It is by far the most scared I have ever been, ever, and it led me develop an eating disorder and an absolute belief I had throat cancer (?!) shortly afterwards. Deep in the midst of my throat cancer fears, I remember watching my granny die and absolutely believing I would see her again very soon. It was also only a few days after my granny died that I learnt about how serious the translocation is.

After learning about the translocation, my mental health deteriorated sharply and rapidly. I was at breakdown point within weeks, and I guess I could say that was my first real breakdown. I became increasingly convinced of the throat cancer. I limited my food more and more, calorie counting obsessively, and pushing myself to exercise more and more.

My ex asked me to get help - his dad died suddenly, so he no longer had the emotional resources to support me being crazy - and I went to the GP and broke down in tears. He referred me for mental health help and the result is where I am today - with several mental health diagnoses and years of counselling, both of which I have found very helpful (yes, even the diagnoses!).

The thing is, when I look back, it was such a bizarre time. I went from being worried about my own mortality to being told 50% of my pregnancies would be severely disabled to my granny and my ex's parents dying. I felt like the angel of death, and I absolutely 100% believed that God hated me and was punishing me for all my flaws.

So I guess that's why I find it hard to relax and trust (even though, as my husband pointed out, that episode eventually turned out well), and why deep down I still have a suspicion that I do not deserve good things and that God is punishing me... A 'good things are for other people, not for me' mentality. My husband does not understand why I think like this but I think if you look objectively at my situation it makes perfect sense. Huge things have happened in my life that were unplanned for and unwanted - my parents' divorce, severe mental illness, infertility. At 27 I neither have a job nor a degree, and I have spent 3 years of my 20s out of work; 2 of those on disability benefit. My reality is that tragedy happens, that unwanted things happen, and that the 'good things' seem to pass me by.

I would very much like to break this thinking... And I have also been very, very EXCEPTIONALLY lucky in maybe the biggest area of my life: marrying my husband. I hope very much that this kind of thinking will not dominate my life from here-on-out. But at the moment, in all honesty, I cannot trust in my safe deliverance from our childless state as my husband can.

Saying that, every little thing that goes right - e.g. my period arriving on time - boosts my confidence and gives me hope. So today is a very happy day :).

Provera is making me insane (not that it takes much!)

This drug is making me into a mad woman!! Not the best when my mental health is already pretty compromised...

Spent about an hour and a half sobbing under the duvet earlier (this was after getting an email from a pastor at church in which I thought she seemed 'off' - yup, crazy!), after staying up late last night to cry (fun times! who doesn't stay up at night to cry?).

I have been having bad PMS since coming off the Pill, but nothing like this. It feels like there's no colour in the world, and everything's against me. I also cannot see the point in us bothering to do IVF, as it's clearly not going to work. And my healthy diet - what's that?

I really wish my periods would behave, then I wouldn't have to take this rubbish. I'm sure Provera is probably fine for really balanced people. When you're an already-crazy taking it, that's a recipe for disaster!

It's also been giving me hot flushes, so I feel like maybe I'm going into the menopause, and my skin is terrible.

On the last day of it, I had really severe aches and pains, like I was getting flu or a virus.

(For the context, I took Provera for a week, at 10mg. My last pill was two nights ago, and now I am sitting around waiting for AF to come.)

Anaemia, Metformin, and an AAAAAAH Moment!

Sorry, this is going to be a very ranty post. It also contains talk of bodily functions so please stay away if you don't want to know!!

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After being diagnosed anaemic and starting iron tablets recently, I started re-taking Metformin (a diabetes drug that is prescribed off-label for PCOS) at the consultant's say-so.

The story of Metformin is this:

I was prescribed it at our first IVF appointment (21/06/12), and told to take it at 500mg for two days, then 1000mg for two days, and then increase to 1500mg and stay there. The consultant warned me I might feel sick and not to keep going if it was really bad.

Once I got to 1500mg things got really bad  - diarrhoea every other day (with no poops in between!). I also felt nauseous all the time. Thinking of eating made me feel sick. Not good.

After 10 days or so I had an attack of vertigo that kept me in bed all day (I think this was 05/07/12). Phoned consultant and she said STOP taking Metformin and get to a GP TODAY (she also said, if you can't see one, go to A&E; luckily the GP fit me in at end of surgery). I was pretty freaked out!

GP ordered blood tests. I made an appointment to discuss the results and on 16/07/12 was told I am anaemic. I figured this was because a) I am now and have always been a veggie, and b) my periods returned last autumn after a 2 1/2 year absence.

Phoned consultant with the results and she said I could go back on the Metformin if I wanted, but to go more slowly: take it at 500mg for a week, and then start 1000mg, but not to increase from there.

500mg was fine; had no side effects, so I stayed there a little longer than a week! I felt terrible (insomnia and fatigue) all last week, but as I hadn't yet been on iron tablets 2 weeks, I figured it was to do with that. I went up to 1000mg last Friday (27/07/12). Felt tired all weekend, but then OK-ish on Monday (30th) so figured things were sorting out.

I then had blood taken at CARE yesterday, and since then have felt terrible; the most fatigued I think I have ever felt: muscle cramps all over, fuzzy head feeling, headache, and so on. Slept 10 hours last night and yet was still woken by the alarm, and I could have slept much longer, but thought I should get up so as to not struggle with insomnia more. Felt totally unrefreshed by sleep. Feeling so sick today.

Knowing that this can't be normal (I love the way our bodies tell us things!), I had a google of Metformin side effects. Yes it causes fatigue... A google of 'Metformin and fatigue' led me to posts detailing how Metformin depletes the body's reserves of vitamin B12. I then looked up 'vitamin B12 deficiency'. Guess what that is? Anaemia.

So this is where I am now.

Normally I love doctors, trust them, and try to sing their praises as often as possible as I do think we assume super-human capabilities of doctors... They're only people too! But, having said that, seriously, two doctors missed that there is a link between Metformin and anaemia.

No wonder the anaemia got so much worse when I started on Metformin! As I had vertigo once just before starting Metformin (having never experienced vertigo before), I reckon I had it anyway, but it can only have made it worse...

I am feeling totally moany, fed up, and generally want a break from life right now! I am so fed up of anaemia; it is so draining and it really couldn't have come at a worse time. No wonder studying two Open Uni module alongside (something they don't recommend) was so hard, and I have enjoyed studying so much less.

I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to complete module #2 and am feeling very anxious and sorry for myself about that. Have got so behind with it.

What I would really really like is some time off from everything to spend with God.

Second Appointment at the IVF Clinic

So today we met with the PGD nurse at CARE, she's lovely. We had some blood tests - they screen rubella, HIV, chlamydia and so on before treatment can start.

She advised I wait until my iron levels are raised a bit before taking Provera - she recommended waiting until about August 20th, and having a blood test to check iron levels before then. That seems so long away! Depending on whether I take Norethisterone or not (which depends on whether I get a withdrawal bleed following month on the Pill), embryo transfer should be either around October 20th or November 20th.

I really want to start Provera now (so impatient to start!), but I think I should follow the clinic's advice and wait. I don't think this period is going to come and I suspect that's down to anaemia as that can cause them to become irregular. I don't feel PMT-y any more, and my skin seems to have cleared up a bit.

I asked why I have been prescribed Norethisterone and why the clinic want me to have so many bleeds before cycling (the nurse was amused by how confusing my Protocal is), and she said the idea behind Norethisterone is that it helps the eggs develop evenly, giving a better outcome, and that it is a good idea for me not to have any old womb lining remaining when treatment starts, as my womb might try to shed it when embryo is in. With such good reasons, I feel much happier about the delays and continuing with the Protocal as recommended.

In which PGD is saving me

Well, I've seen a few of these synchroblog type things around lately (I've not really been looking at blogs for very long at all!), and I thought, why not give this one a go? There is something I'm very thankful for, and I want to speak out about it. But I'm also scared - about making this not an unknown, anonymous place. (Actually this place and the places of others have been saving my life this week! But that's not what sprang into my heart to write about.)

What is saving my life right now?

A magical bundle of hope, grace, life, and opportunity; all found for me at CARE fertility in Nottingham. And in particular these events of the past few weeks:

• A man called Dave Gifford (I hope it's ok to write his name here!) who works for the East Midlands PCT or somesuch and was kind enough to email me quickly and personally with the news that having PCOS does not bar us from unlimited funding for IVF PGD (due to my balanced translocation). His kindness and generosity of spirit means so much.
• The family we met at church who have walked our road already.
• And then the miraculous news at our first appointment at CARE (June 21st) that unlimited funding is not limited to one child. And that we can begin 'right away'.

My world has changed so much since June 21st that it is now unrecognisable! I am so grateful that we may be able to have Light and Prophet.  Was I really 'ok' with having one child? How much wider I can dream now! Was I really ok with waiting for up to 6 months for them to develop a probe? Now I am struggling to wait a few weeks for my period to come!

I am active in a facebook forum for my particular translocation, and I know women there who feel strongly that PGD isn't 'Christian', as do others, and so I struggle to be bold in my choice and brave in writing about it. It is not for me to say what is right and wrong. I don't know God's mind and I don't claim to.

(I will write about my thoughts about the ethical issues around PGD sometime, but I don't have any answers.)  

I pray, as Thomas Merton prayed, that "the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing." 

I hope that our belief that He has been leading us here is in fact correct. And if it isn't, I hope it doesn't upset Him too much. Because with how much our lives have changed in the past month or so, it is hard not to believe more than ever that this surely must be God's plan for our lives.

Thank you so much Lord for blessing us with such abundance. If this isn't the path you have for us, I hope that I will be able to give it back to you with grace, trust, and hope, however impossible that may seem right now. But I am so grateful that this thing is being done in our lives. The ability to hope and dream that is coming out of this is saving me. 

Thank you Lord, that you are blessing us in this way. I pray with all of my heart that this blessing would be available to all heart-mothers in this world. I pray that my translocation sisters in other counties and in other countries, specifically those in America where medical care costs so much, would have the opportunity to be blessed in this way if they so desire. 

I thank you for this new thing, and I honestly struggle to believe that anything that feels like this does could be wrong.

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Linked with Sarah Bessey at http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-we-are-saved-synchroblog/

Baby Brain!

Well, I've been feeling a little better, and so I should be doing my work... But I'll let you in on a secret: I haven't been doing much work at all. (Normal people would probably be ok with this, having been under the weather... Not me! I tell myself off a lot!)

I have baby brain already. I try to work, but I get distracted and look at baby things instead. Pictures of babies and pregnant friends on facebook. Baby blogs. Birth stories. Pregnancy and birth advice. Where to give birth. What to buy for a baby... The list goes on!

I felt quite silly doing this. Until yesterday, when I realised something. I began to plan for getting married a year before darling hubby and I got engaged. I knew we would do, somewhere deep inside (even though my rational brain often doubted, as now), and so I began to prepare. I had a lot of preparing to do. I had a lot of baggage and fears about marriage.

And now the situation is the same. I have a lot of baggage about birth, babies and parenting. I coped with the wedding baggage by really focusing on the planning, and especially on my relationship with God, and with addressing the fears that came up and finding ways of coping with the stresses and anxieties.

All I'm doing is putting the same coping mechanisms in place for baby.

When I'm pregnant, I'll feel as prepared as can be. When I give birth, I'll be as prepared as I can be. And when we bring baby home, the same again.

Preparing for the wedding meant I had a better day than I could possibly have dared hope.

But so much more than that, I felt so ready to get married. And that's something I didn't expect or hope to feel.

You know what? If this baby planning stuff doesn't make much sense to me now, and even less sense to other people (my counsellor seemed concerned! after 18 months there are still things she doesn't understand about my brain), that's ok. In the future, why I am doing this now will make sense. I will look back and see what this preparatory work helped create.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment. I have huge anxieties around work, studying, parenting, IVF, and birth. Plus I'm changing my diet, and am walking the dog less because of the tiredness and busyness, and with my food and self-image issues that puts quite a large amount of stress on. (Pleased with how my diet's going though - it's great! I'm doing so well! More about that another time maybe. Couldn't have believed I could do this even a year ago.)

Ultimately, I guess I have to navigate my way through these challenges - and what exciting challenges! - as I do everything else: by muddling along, following my instincts, trusting my instincts (or at least trying to!), and trusting that a pattern will become clear afterwards.

The Lord doesn't do things without reason - that I have seen so far. I remember planning my wedding - obsessing over it, even - before engagement (I am not a girl who grew up doing this! it was a new experience!), and feeling so silly. What if it all went wrong? But you know what - it didn't; it went perfectly; I have a dream of a husband and a dream of a life... And that time preparing beforehand helped me so much in not feeling overwhelmed and swept away.

This is how I am. It's how I roll. I'm cool with that. And pleased to have learnt something new about who I am and how fine and dandy it is!

Anaemia and PMS

Today is day #11 of PMS symptoms. AAAAAAAAARRRGHHH pretty much sums it up!!

We received Provera (to help me have a period) in our box of medication goodies, but I was already PMS-ing by then so haven't taken it yet. I really don't want to take it as:
a) I'm going to be submitting my body to a lot of really harsh treatments over the next few months.
b) I always get side effects from drugs: if there are side effects to be had, I will have them.
c) If I'm getting a period anyway, taking pills to bring one on is a bit redundant.

I saw the GP this morning, and she was in agreement that I shouldn't take Provera.

Since stopping the Pill (September 2011), I have had three periods, and with each one, I have had PMS symptoms for around 2-3 weeks prior to bleed. (I was taking the Pill from early 2009, and before taking the Pill, I had PMS the night before my period, and that was it. However, in my 2 1/2 years on the Pill, I didn't have a single bleed - weird, huh! - so my theory is that is causing a lot of the craziness I have since coming off it.)

With these prolonged PMS attacks, I have been getting: sore back (on my tailbone), bad skin, swollen sore boobs, swollen tummy, and of course, lovely emotional symptoms like fatigue, emotional instability (tears!), irritability, depression, increased anxiety.

However, as my health hasn't been great the past 3 months or so, and I have been feeling really fatigued and life seems to be draining me much more than it was, I wondered if something else was underneath. Lo and behold, I have anaemia! Good to put a face to the enemy; hubby is picking up iron tablets today. (Anaemia showed up in bloodwork I had done a couple of weeks ago; had the results this morning.)

While I am so very, very keen to come 'on', and have been feeling so miserable for the past week, I also realised this morning that I am once again impatient, trying to rush ahead, and am not trusting that, as it says in Romans 8:28: "in all things God works for the good of those who love him".