9 Week Bump Photo

Excuse my terrible pregnancy skin! And pointy boobs - thanks M&S maternity bras! I bought these because my breasticles have increased 2 cup sizes and my old bras are painful and this was all M&S had in stock in a 2-pack non-wire in my size... They are super comfy and well supported BUT I do not recommend, they are cut impractically high,the seams really show through clothing, and they don't make a flattering shape.

This is the Bull bump at 9 weeks!

Week 9-10 was my most uncomfortable week yet nausea wise, which was unfortunate as it coincided with Christmas! All-in-all - I probably sound completely mad - I LOVE the early pregnancy symptoms, I've felt rubbish throughout and have relished every single symptom! (Ok, apart from the spots!)

And... I HAVE enjoyed pregnancy SO MUCH more since the scan! I finally feel pregnant! Wahoo!!!

Our Magic Little Bean at 8 Weeks

Today we had our 8 week scan. It was an internal scan and performed at the IVF clinic. I was very worried about this scan as a PGD friend, who also has a balanced translocation, had a MMC (missed miscarriage) at her 8 week scan around the time we had our positive pregnancy test. It was her fourth MC but her first PGD cycle and she had never seen a live baby at a scan. I was sick with nerves from for the month prior to the scan that the same thing would happen to us, and I didn't enjoy that time at all (that's why I didn't blog!). I completely dreaded the scan but at the same time counted down the days!!!

Having the scan was amazing. I couldn't look at the screen because I was so nervous. And then the nurse said, "There's your baby," in the softest, gentlest voice - she knew how nervous I was - and we could see the little heart beating and it was totally amazing! I had to choke back tears, it was so emotional, and afterwards we went to Sainsbury's to pick up a few bits and I was still being completely overcome by these waves of tearful relief.

I felt that God had been telling me that if the scan went well, I would be able to relax, trust Him, and enjoy being pregnant... I trust Him, so, we shall see! I do hope the next weeks are going to be much more enjoyable! I feel terrible being in a position to enjoy the blessing I've hoped for for so long and yet being unable to; I feel very broken by all this infertility and heartache.

I've also been thinking back a lot to the MC I had almost five years ago (before I met my husband, and while I was with my previous long-term boyfriend), and have been so taken aback by how much grieving I had still to do for that. I've never really allowed myself to grieve it (except for at the immediate time when I was devastated). I didn't 'want' to be pregnant, it was an accident, and I didn't acknowledge that I was pregnant until I miscarried - I hadn't even taken a test. And I knew WHY I miscarried, carrying a balanced translocation really brings a bonus in that way, so I haven't even had to wonder if I did something to cause it. A few months later I broke up with my boyfriend and met my husband, and I was glad not to have a child tying me to my ex. I then had a breakdown and tackled my mental health and I realised how very incapable I would have been as a parent. But seeing the miscarriage phlegmatically and rationally like that has stopped me from seeing the sadness of it all, and understanding how let down I feel by my body.

So there's a lot of stuff to work through, but I'm very, VERY happy!!!

Pregnancy Test Day

The day we were given to take a pregnancy test was 13 days past transfer (13dp5dt). I wondered whether I'd want to test early, and around days 5-7 I did have some days of wanting to test, but then I figured it was an opportunity to practise patience - and that if I was pregnant, I'd have plenty more opportunity to practise that, as I waited for scans and so forth, so it would be a good skill to develop!!! After that, I had no trouble waiting, and actually I could have waited longer, but that was probably because I was so nervous about testing. The pregnancy test is a huge deal after going through so much in a cycle, and I definitely felt the pressure of it.

I was really lucky though, as thanks to the OHSS I had a fairly good idea it would be positive. I also had a lot of hope as we had a hatching blast. I also had a fair few symptoms during the 2WW and some mild nausea started on 10dp5dt. When I got the nausea I was so happy - I just felt so blissed out and so pregnant! I had this feeling really deep down inside that something new, strange, and exciting was going on down below.

I couldn't sleep for excitement the night before the test, not a wink of anxiety (very unlike me!). I got up at 6am to take the test, couldn't hold out any more. We'd been given a test by the clinic and I'd bought some tests as well, so I did three. I peed in a little pot given us by the clinic and we stuck the tests in, set a timer, and lay on the bed for three minutes. I then had to get hubby to check the result, I was so nervous. He seemed to take an age to respond and then he said... 'Mrs, you're pregnant!'

I text his mum and sister right away (they asked us to!), and my mum at 8am. Hubby's mum and dad had a little cry, it was lovely. It was so precious telling my mum as well, she made a noise I'd never heard before - "OoohOOOOHoooh!" - and said she'd learn to knit!!!

I didn't feel like sharing the news with others after that, I wish we could have kept it to ourselves for a bit, but we had other friends waiting for the result. Overall I feel so blessed to have so many people rooting for us that I don't mind sharing - it's just my fears of something going wrong or it not being 'real' that makes me cautious. I wish I could let go of that fear and enjoy the moment!

The whole rest of test day I felt shattered and in shock. I didn't sleep well that night either, or the next night! It's now a few days later (I back-dated this post) and I still have no idea how to adjust to news like this!!!

I phoned the clinic that afternoon to give them our result and our 8 week scan was booked for December 14th.

Answered Prayer, OHSS, and the 2WW

So on the second day after embryo transfer (2dp5dt) my stomach swelled up like a little pregnant belly and I was diagnosed with mild OHSS following a scan and blood test at the clinic that afternoon. My ovaries had grown 1cm each since embryo transfer (from 6cm to 7cm) and a little fluid had collected on my belly.

After this the clinic phoned to monitor my belly measurements and symptoms every day for a week and a half. After about a week of this they stopped being concerned, I guess it became clear it was staying mild.

A week after embryo transfer (7dp5dt) I had a TERRIBLE night; pain like a ring of fire around my middle (front and back) which Paracetamol didn't touch and therefore no sleep. It was like the worst AF cramps ever and I spent the whole night terrified I was about to start bleeding and the cycle would be over. In the morning my ovaries were throbbing and felt really tender, and the clinic said such pain was normal with OHSS. At this point I felt VERY blessed only to have OHSS so mildly! Aside from that night, my stomach blew up and down a little bit over the days, and I had cramps in my ovaries on and off, but nothing Paracetamol wouldn't take care of. The clinic had me on 'rest', so I spent most of this week on the sofa watching costume dramas. The nurses said that the severity of OHSS can be directly related to the preventative measures women take - e.g. resting, drinking water, and eating protein with every meal (which I did).

Developing OHSS after the embryo transfer made me so happy - in fact, I actually prayed specifically that I would get mild OHSS post-transfer!!! This is because the nurses had told us that OHSS developing post-transfer means pregnancy. So I felt hugely optimistic and loved by God throughout the 2WW, although I felt sick... I'd been terrified of the dreaded 2WW, but actually I found it a lovely, peaceful, and calm time... I 'felt' pregnant during the whole waiting period, from the time the embryo was popped back in.

The Lord has answered some really specific prayers during the IVF process. Here are some of the prayers He has answered:

1. During the stims process I prayed for just the right number of eggs - not too many and not too few, for optimum quality. We had 13 mature, 11 fertilised, and all survived to biopsy. A pretty amazing result!
2. I prayed for Maha, our consultant, to perform the egg collection procedure... And she did! 
3. I prayed that the sedative would knock me out and I'd sleep through the whole egg collection procedure... And I did!
4. I prayed for mild OHSS after transfer, for encouragement, and it came at 2dp5dt.

In fact, the Lord answered ALL my specific (and non-specific!) prayers throughout the whole procedure... And He also looked after some needs I didn't know I had. He delayed my CRB so that I couldn't start my new job until after the clinic had OK'd me to stop resting for OHSS prevention. He gave me the mentor I specifically wanted (out of 8) when I did then start my job. During my first work training session (during the stims phase) the trainer revealed that she'd had IVF treatment - although I didn't reveal to anyone we were having treatment for another few weeks! My friend also prayed that when I started my job, I would make a connection with someone who was a Christian. I did make a connection with one particular person... But I didn't learn for a few weeks that they are in fact a Christian!

The Lord is awesome, and He has really showed His might through this process!!! It is so humbling for someone who has had many doubts about the efficacy of prayer.

Embryo Transfer

Embryo transfer was a most exciting and surreal experience!

So we arrived at our clinic for embryo transfer at 2pm; the actual procedure was scheduled for 2.30pm but we were asked to arrive half an hour early (as with egg collection) to prepare.

We had to use our sexy ID card (printed for egg collection) to gain access to the 'hospital' area of the clinic. I also had a wristband printed with a barcode on it (as with egg collection) that was scanned when I got into theatre.

Hubby was allowed into theatre with me for embryo transfer. We both donned some really attractive scrubs. I lay on the theatre bed and put my legs in stirrups. A speculum was inserted, and then the really nice consultant busied himself with 'cleaning' my cervix. This was the most uncomfortable part of the whole procedure, it seemed to go on for ages. This is because it felt like a really uncomfortable smear and smears make me feel really squeamish!!! A catheter was then inserted into my cervix and the embryo gently guided into place. I was worried about this part being painful, but I couldn't feel it at all. We did watch it happening on the ultrasound scan, which was amazing. Hubby said my uterus looked like a 'mouse'!

I had been asked to drink a glass of water an hour before, so the scan would show a clear water, but I think some of the extra anti-OHSS water was also hanging around as my bladder was very, very full - which meant the consultant got a really good clear picture. He said my ovaries aren't looking enlarged at the moment, which was great news! And he said that the 'passage' for the embryo was really easy and clear, which he was also really pleased with.

We were shown a picture of the embryo prior to transfer; the consultant and embryologist told us how pleased they were with it. It was a grade 1/2 (grade 1 being the best at our clinic) hatching blastocyst - the nucleus being grade 1 and the surrounding area being grade 2. Apparently our second healthy good quality embryo is exactly the same; the clinic like to use the best quality embryo on the fresh cycle but they couldn't choose between them! So we have another top quality hatching blast in the freezer!!!

The whole thing was over and done with in 10 minutes. I then lay in recovery for 20 minutes - while the nurse went through some 'Two Week Window Do's and Don't's' with us (no sex! no shark meat!) - before we walked back to the little ward to get changed and leave.

Afterwards I felt elated and very emotional. It was such a relief to get to this point and I feel so very, very blessed it overwhelms me. Having so many emotions running around was a roller coaster - I went out for Chinese that night, and had to jog across one lane of the road as the traffic lights changed, and was then in floods of tears when I got in again, convinced I'd ruined our little embryo's chances (even though our clinic does not advise rest). After a good cry I realised I was being pretty silly, but I had so many emotions built up after all the tense weeks of waiting, with more weeks of waiting ahead of us.

Waiting - Fertilisation to Biopsy Results

Our clinic do PGD using arrayCGH testing (they actually had the first aCGH baby in the world!). They do the testing on day 3 and the transfer usually on day 5, but occasionally on day 6.

Day 1 - Fertilisation Report

On the morning following egg collection, I had a call to say 'Good news!' Of my 23 eggs, 13 were mature, and 11 had fertilised.

To be honest, 23 to 11 seemed like a big drop and I felt pretty deflated and disappointed following this conversation. However, looking back, I can see that God answered a very particular prayer I had been praying throughout the stimulation phase - that I would have the RIGHT amount of eggs, and not too few (giving anxiety over the testing phase) or too many (leading to OHSS or decreased egg quality). In retrospect, 13 was indeed the perfect number - and it is indeed a very good number of mature eggs and had someone told me at the start of the process that I would have 13, I would have been very pleased - but it worried me at the time.

Day 2 - Embryo Development

The next day I was very nervous about the call as the day before's hadn't gone as I had hoped. I needn't have worried! The embryologist reported that ALL ELEVEN fertilised eggs were now embryos, and all on track for this stage. We had one 3-cell grade 3, and the other 10 an even split of grade 1 and 2 (our clinic grades 1 as the best quality). We were completely over the moon, I had never expected so many to keep growing or to be of such good quality. The embryologists were very pleased indeed with how things were going. A wonderful day.

Day 3 - Biopsy

On the afternoon of day 3, I had the call I was most nervous about thus far: to tell us how many embryos had been able to be biopsied. ArrayCGH does not just screen embryos for a known genetic condition (i.e. translocation), but for a range of chromosomal abnormalities. This is really good news as even younger women (under 35) have up to 40% of embryos developing spontaneous chromosomal abnormalities, and chromosomal abnormalities are reckoned to be the biggest cause of miscarriage, so it is great to know that the embryo put back inside you has such an increased chance at health and life. However, when one factors into account a genetic condition as well, this leads to a high number of unviable embryos. For me, the translocation affects 50%, but the clinic expect around 80% to be unusable, due to spontaneous abnormalities. So I was really really hoping that at least 8 of our embryos would have survived to biopsy; I know from other peoples' PGD journeys that 8 would be a great number to have.

Imagine my shock, therefore, when the embryologist tells me that ALL ELEVEN were able to be biopsied!!! One was sadly lost (stuck in a pipette) during the biopsy, so we were waiting on the results of 10 embryos, and I knew this was a really great position to be in. However, with PGD, there are no guarantees and sometimes even high numbers of embryos are all affected, so waiting for the biopsy results was the hardest time for me of this whole procedure (so far! imagine the day before pregnancy test won't be great!).

Day 4  - Booking the Transfer

Our clinic don't check the embryos on day 4. They check them on the morning of day 5 and update the patients after that, with the biopsy results (I know some clinics give biopsy results on day 4, lucky patients!). So we were booked in for transfer the following day, without anyone knowing whether we'd have an embryo to transfer, as the clinic were at pains to inform me!

Day 5 - Biopsy Results and Embryo Update

On the morning of day 5, I had a work training session, so hubby took the call and I had to wait until midday to find out! It was absolute torture, especially as the training session overran. I ran from work to the car to meet my hubby, trying to judge his facial expressions as I approached...

We had 3 viable embryos!!! We were both so ecstatic! 2 of these were really good quality, meaning we could transfer 1 and freeze the other, but the third was not looking good quality so the clinic weren't going to freeze it. (They did leave it until day 6 and checked it again, but it hadn't improved.) Another wonderful day!

And so now onto the best part so far, the holy grail of embryo transfer...

Egg Collection

So on the Friday (what would have been day 11 of stims) I had what is known as "oocyte capture" or "ovum retrieval" - egg collection in layman's terms!

The consultant retrieves the artificially stimulated eggs by passing a fine needle through the vaginal wall and into each follicle in turn. Some UK clinics perform this under general anaesthetic but most under sedation. It also varies as to whether this procedure is performed in theatre or not, I believe.

At Care, egg collection is performed under sedation in theatre. We were booked in to start at 8:30am and needed to arrive at 8:00am to prepare. I didn't get a wink of sleep the night before; I felt physically sick with nerves, it was horrible. So much of our chance of success at IVF depended on the outcome of this procedure and how many and what good quality eggs were removed. At 4am I gave up trying to sleep and came to watch TV downstairs with the dog!

Our clinic ask the patient not to wear perfume, not to eat after midnight, and not to drink after 5am. I was asked to bring a dressing gown and socks as theatre can get cold. I think the dressing gown is more to protect the ladies' modesty as it is removed in theatre and a blanket is given instead.

Hubby and I arrived early and had an identity card produced - with cheesy mugshots! - that allows us onto the ward area. We were shown into a small private room containing a small cupboard and two chairs and I was asked to change into a hospital gown. I've never worn a hospital gown before, it was quite exciting (despite the nerves)! A nurse went through various questions - what I am allergic to and so on - and then collected me and we walked into theatre. Hubby was left behind and collected to produce his 'sample' once egg collection was underway.

The next bit is a bit of a lovely blur due to the sedation... I lay down and was arranged on the bed.  The various members of staff - nurse, ODP, embryologist, anaesthetist, and consultant (who was the only consultant at the clinic we already knew, thank goodness - I had prayed specifically for her). The anaesthetist then inserted a canular into my hand, he was a very nice man. He explained to me about the medication and said I might fall asleep or fall in and out of sleep, and that if I had any discomfort, to let him know and he'd increase the dose. He then said, 'You will start to feel sleepy over the next couple of minutes.' I looked around, and that is the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

I was vey nervous about the idea of sedation and had prayed I would sleep through the whole thing... Praise God this happened; I slept deeply according to the nurse and was not best pleased when she woke me up! I think my lack of sleep the previous two nights helped achieve this :D. Waking up was the worst part (in fact the only uncomfortable part of the whole thing); I was in a lot of pain. The nurse said, "Do you want to know how many? You've had 23 eggs removed!!" I was overjoyed. She then explained that this is why I was in so much pain - the higher the number of eggs, the more the pain. Paracetamol had already been given through the canular while I was asleep but she said they could give me more drugs and to let her know when I wanted them. She was the nicest nurse (the same nurse who saw me through the whole thing and then again through embryo transfer).

I was wheeled on the bed back to the little private room and there was my lovely hubby. He was very tender and protective of me, it was really sweet. The nurse left us alone and I told him how many eggs, he was amazed too and we shared our joy! Another nurse then returned (equally lovely) and offered me a choice of Codeine or a painkiller that goes in a pessary up the bum (sorry TMI and I forget the name). Anyway she recommended the latter so I went for that and it worked like a dream, in about 20 minutes all the pain had gone. I had low blood pressure from the sedation and couldn't go to the loo for about an hour; this was not good as I was immediately given lots of sweet tea and water by the lovely nurses!!! Had a scary moment when I first tried to go to the loo - the room span and I felt sick - but half an hour later it was ok and I was able to relieve myself.

Both the embryologist and the consultant who performed the procedure visited us in our private room after egg collection. The embryologist told us that hubby's sperm sample was great! The consultant said I would feel very sore as she had not only retrieved 23 eggs, but also 'popped' all my smaller follies not containing eggs in order to prevent OHSS. She also said that due to my large number of follies, she felt unsure as to whether we should go ahead with transfer this cycle or freeze the embryos for transfer at a later date, but she said she was happy to monitor me over the next few days and see how things go before making any decisions. She said that during EC my ovaries had shown no signs of OHSS (i.e. there was not excess fluid), despite the large number of follies. (I had a nurse phone every day between EC and ET to check how I was doing with OHSS symptoms. Luckily I never had any more than very, very mild symptoms - a small amount of bloating, abdominal discomfort, and nausea... And we were able to do the transfer this cycle.)

We drove home and I rested on the sofa the rest of the day. Pain wasn't too bad at all and although we had bought some Co-Codomol in preparation, I didn't need to take more than Paracetamol once I got home, and I took Paracetamol for four days following egg collection. I felt pretty nauseous so treated myself to some favourite foods. It was quite sore to wee, but I didn't have any bleeding or spotting after I left the hospital (there was quite a bit of bleeding immediately after egg collection that went onto the clinic pad, I think they're called Chux pads). And I still haven't had any bleeding or spotting from egg collection and this is now 3dp5dt.

So that was it, my egg collection experience... It was an amazing experience full of answer to prayer - I had prayed for sleeping through the procedure and no signs of OHSS. Next came the really hard part - waiting.

Stimulation Injections and Monitoring Scans

Stimulation Injections

My protocol for this cycle was Menopur 150iu daily and Cetrotide O.25mg daily (Cetrotide started on day 5 and is to help prevent ovulation).

Through this cycle I have discovered that I much prefer injections in the leg to injections in the tummy :). Didn't mind the leg ones at all; something creeps me out about having a needle pointed at the stomach though, it's such delicate and tender skin. Everyone's different, some people prefer the tummy.

First Monitoring Scan

On day 6 of the stimulation injections we had our first early morning scan and blood test. The scans are done internally - ie vaginally. At the first scan, 17 follicles measuring between 8-12mm were counted and I was over the moon! Hubby and I went to a local country park to walk the dog afterwards, I wasn't feeling too uncomfortable at that point and just had a stitch-like feeling from the follies growing. It was a beautiful day and full of peace, we just floated around all over the place!!! The clinic called at 2pm and told us to continue medication as before (my blood test results were normal - the clinic are looking for risk of OHSS) and to come back for another scan in two days.

Second Monitoring Scan

On day 8 of the stimulation injections we had our second monitoring scan and blood test. It's not normal to have so many blood tests, but due to having PCOS, being under 35 and slim, and having lots of follies responding I am a high OHSS risk.

At this scan I had 19 follies over 8mm, but I was quite disappointed as they didn't seem to have grown much in size, and one was miles ahead of the others in size at 16mm. It was at this point that I learned that clinics look for 3 follicles of 17-22mm in size for egg collection, and I felt really disheartened as we seemed miles away from that (little did I know!).

The clinic called in the afternoon and told me to drop the Menopur from 150iu to 112.5iu that night. Cetrotide stayed the same. Blood work was normal.

I was very sore this day; it was the sorest day. I could physically feel the follies stretching and growing inside, it felt like a burning. Walking began to hurt. I had a training day for new job and it was very unpleasant!

Third Monitoring Scan

On day 9 of the stims we had third scan and blood test. Felt relieved and overjoyed when my lovely original follies had grown lots and lots more, an incredible amount (guess that's what the pain was!). I had 30 follies over 8mm and we had two ready for egg collection at this point. Blood work had increased fairly dramatically but not enough to worry them. After this scan, a lovely nurse (all the staff at Care Nottingham have been so lovely) took us into a private room and told us that our egg collection was likely to be Friday and that my trigger shot would likely be changed from Gonasi (containing HcG) to Buserilin (which doesn't contain HcG). The reason for this is that HcG triggers OHSS.

I was not so sore this day, although this scan was the first to hurt (I guess as my ovaries were taking up a lot more room!). Hubby and I were 'intimate' this night in preparation for EC (sorry TMI!); we were told to be intimate 2-5 days before egg collection, and it was quite sore for me.

When the clinic phoned us in the afternoon, they told us to drop the Menopur from 150iu to 75iu that night. I became very anxious as I was worried that we wouldn't have very many follies ready for collection by Friday, and I couldn't feel them stretching and growing any more.

Fourth Monitoring Scan

On day 10 of stims (our trigger shot day) we had our fourth and final monitoring scan and blood test. The blood work determined whether egg collection would be Friday or Saturday - if it showed me to be at risk of ovulation it would be Friday, but otherwise they would leave it 'til Saturday to give the little follies time to grow. At this scan I was again thrilled and overjoyed as the follies had grown lots and lots.

We saw a nurse after scan and blood test who taught us how to do the Buserilin trigger and prescribed me some Cabergoline to prevent OHSS. She warned me that this would likely make me feel very poorly - in her words, 'not many ladies tolerate it'. This made me feel very nervous - what was I letting myself in for? She predicted that if we did egg collection on Friday I would have 17 eggs and I was OVER THE MOON!!! It felt like God specifically and personally addressing my concerns.

That afternoon the clinic phoned and confirmed that egg collection would be Friday and I should do trigger shot and start Cabergoline that night. I didn't have Cabergoline side effects that night (phew!!) but Buserilin gave me heart palpitations and hot flushes and I only slept about two hours that night.

Luckily I had no warning signs of OHSS - the clinic said that my blood work was at the higher end but not abnormal or dangerous, and my stomach was no more bloated than before a period. However, I spent most of this week on the sofa as walking was sore, and the clinic told me to rest as an OHSS preventative measure.

Stims Day 5

Stims Day 5 (Menopur and Cetrotide)

First day of Cetrotide. We shoot that up in the tummy! I prefer the leg shots, going to be sticking to doing the Menopur in the thigh.

My tummy is feeling full, bloated, tender... And, well, kinda 'stitchy'. We're have our first scan and bloodwork tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to seeing how things are going and hopefully getting some reassurance!

The physical side effects of Menopur have died down now - no more cold. I'm feeling very emotional today though, and very vulnerable. A little thing set me off earlier, and I've felt emotionally vulnerable since and spent some time sobbing my heart out to God. I'm still not feeling too anxious, just emotionally drained. Our lodger is home for the weekend, and after going to the clinic tomorrow I am planning to chill, spend some quiet restorative time with God, enjoy my lovely hubby and watch some rubbish TV (it's 'Strictly' time of year; could our cycle come at a better time?!).

Side-Effects

So I've been having trouble with Menopur side effects the past couple of days, so I'm going to write a re-cap tonight of all the side effects of the drugs I've had this cycle.

Menopur

• Cold symptoms - runny, stuffy nose; sneezing; sinus headache.
• Insomnia (struggling to get to sleep).
• 'Off' food; not feeling hungry as normal.
• Hot flushes.
• Emotional! More tears than normal!

Norethisterone

• Hot flushes.
• Tender, enlarged boobs.
• Bloating.
• Insomnia (waking up at night).
• Bleed arrived 3 days after last pill, was more crampy than normal and started at midday instead of early morning. Normally heavy, fresh blood. Lasted 3 days.

Microgynon

• Tender, enlarged boobs.
• Bloating.
• Spotting/bleeding throughout.
• Emotional/grumpy!
• Bleed arrived 3 days after last pill. Lasted 3 days, fresh blood, and very heavy.

Provera

• Depression/anxiety (after the packet finished). Even felt suicidal night before period!
• Bleed arrived 4 days after last pill, mainly old blood. Heavy for one day, then very light flow that didn't finish and morphed into spotting on Microgynon.

I am not a fan of the side effects, but Provera, Microgynon, and Norethisterone have all worked so well to bring on a bleed in my unhelpful body that I'd put up with them again!

Intimacy

So, we started our injections yesterday; we've done two injections now. I was a bit anxious before it all started - I didn't sleep much the night before the injections, and had a bit of a panicky moment in the day. But it (the anxiety) was all over really quickly and I felt much better after we'd done the first one, and have been fine since.

I thought I might write tonight about intimacy. Intimacy ties in with dependence, which I wrote about on Sunday, and I've been learning a lot about both through this whole IVF process (and my life is loads better for it! Thanks God!). When we are intimate with God, we are dependent, and in order to be dependent, we have to have intimacy.

I love having a close relationship with God. Sometimes it's not there though, and that's just part of the mystery of faith! Earlier this year I was finding it very difficult to seek His presence... Not feeling His presence was so hard, but what He taught me out of it was invaluable. He showed me how important it is that He is first in our hearts, and how much this impacts our personal, intimate relationships with Him (I had university before Him in my heart). Ezekiel 14:7-8 says:

When any of the Israelites or any foreigner residing in Israel separate themselves from me and set up idols in their hearts and put a wicked stumbling block before their faces and then go to a prophet to inquire of me, I theLord will answer them myself. I will set my face against them and make them an example and a byword. I will remove them from my people. Then you will know that I am the Lord.

I listened to an online talk on Prophecy by our church leader the other night (listen to it here - dated 19th September 2010). He made the point that relationships flourish with time invested, and wither when neglected - and that our relationship with God is the same. The more time we spend with Him, the better we know Him.

We can all know the Lord personally and intimately. This has been such a revelation lately - it's something I hear in church all the time, and thought I understood... But now am seeing in whole new ways! Hebrews 8:10-11 says:

This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel
    after that time, declares the Lord.
I will put my laws in their minds
    and write them on their hearts.
I will be their God,
    and they will be my people.  

 No longer will they teach their neighbor,
    or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
    from the least of them to the greatest.

We need no intercessors to come before Him. We can speak to Him, and He will listen. He can speak to us - directly - and we can listen. And by far the best way of getting to know someone is to spend time one-on-one with them. During quiet time spent seeking the Lord we are transformed like no other time; He has our full attention during these times. I find it helps to study the Bible before spending quiet time in prayer as it 'readies' my mind.

Recently, I have been focusing on building time devoted to listening to the Lord. I am a total novice at this, but I have found it helpful to create a restful mood by turning the lights off, shutting the curtains, lighting candles, and playing a worship CD really low. I also like to have a notebook and Bible handy, so I can look up any verses and write down things God says. But ultimately all that is necessary is a quiet space. The more time available the better, but I go on the basis that a short amount of time is better than nothing! Doing this has transformed the IVF experience for me... It has also really helped bring fresh hope into my life; hope that isn't dependent on any particular outcome but is in the Lord.

Dependence

So... I have some news! Bang on time, a certain madame period showed up today - exactly when the nurses said she would, and exactly when God told me she would (oh me of little faith - how I doubt my body!!).

This means... We.are.starting.IVF.tomorrow. TOMORROW.

TOMORROW

(did I ever mention I have waited five and a half years for this moment?)

Each time my period has arrived this cycle - this is my third 'IVF period' - I have thought I am the happiest I could be to see it show up.

I.was.wrong.

Today I was definitely, 100%, the very happiest and most content I could possibly be to see it show up! Not only does it mean we can start, but... God.does.what.He.says. Last night He told me...today. And here it is. Today.

I still have no idea whether IVF is going to produce a baby for us. God has not revealed this. I would love Him too, but every time I even think of it, all I hear is that He is not showing me because He wants me to grow in faith and dependence upon Him.

Which makes perfect sense.

Eeek.

Dependence.

Something I'm not great at; haven't got much practise at.

Since I became a Christian, life has been... comfortable. It has steadfastly and steadily moved from the place I was - bad - to the place where suddenly I don't look *that* different to other Christians, and my sexual sin isn't weighing on my mind every time I'm in church. To the place where the things needing attention in my daily life are things that seem... smaller.more manageable.more appropriate.more - dare I say it - holy.

And that's where the problem came.

The things needing attention in my daily life are never smaller.never more manageable.never more appropriate.definitely never holy.

That I learned this year.

I started the year feeling...good with God.smug.content. I had another companion, as this had morphed into the killer of all faith - the five year plan.

God loves me. He had clearly demonstrated that by giving me a lovely husband; allowing me to achieve the marks I'd dreamed of at university; giving us a lovely church and small group to settle in... And so on. Clearly, I was in God's favour. He loves to bless me. And He was going to continue to bless me. Everything was going to happen just as I wanted it. I would fall pregnant from IVF. We would move house. I would graduate from my degree. We would have baby. I would stay at home and raise baby as super-mama.

Guess what? ALL that stuff was about ME. My faith had stopped being about what God wanted for me and had become about what I *deserve*.

If I deserve a husband, then I deserve to finish the degree I dropped out of. If I deserve a husband, I deserve to have the fact that I very likely can't have children rectified.

God did a miracle to provide us with even an opportunity for having a child. 50% is loads better than our odds naturally. This wasn't good enough. It had to fit into my box. We.were.blessed. I.would.fall.pregnant.

Then... Something happened. Fear came in. And fear exposed how me-centred my life had become. Somewhere along the line the severity of my PCOS, and the fact that 50% of couples come out of IVF treatment without a child, sunk in... And I remembered... Life is pretty darn awful without God, and I need Him - when times are good, and when times are tough. Always.

If I seem to write a lot about not having children lately, and it seems pessimistic (which it is, as it's very unlikely that IVF wouldn't work and we then wouldn't be able to adopt), it's because of this: not having children did not feature in my life plan. Clearly, I was so favoured by God that this was not a possibility.

So a few weeks ago I took this fear to Him and faced it head on. I wrote this post, about what hope now looked like. Stuff happened, and I wrote this post about how Jesus moves all kinds of mountains, not just the ones we want Him to.

I write about not having children at the moment because actually... if God wants to do that with my life, I'd rather be there, than have the children and be without Him. God's goodness does not depend on me becoming a mother. My happiness does not depend on me becoming a mother. Somehow, along the way, I'd got God mixed up with a baby.

Name Meanings

So, just in case you are thinking I think of myself as a light and a prophet ;-), I thought I better write a post explaining the name...

My hubby and I picked boy and girl baby names. 'The prophet' is for the boy's name. We chose 'Samuel' for a boy; Samuel was an Old Testament prophet born to an infertile mother (Hannah) as an answer to prayer: "Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life." (1 Samuel 1:11.) When the baby was born, "She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'" (1 Samuel 1:20). Hannah dedicated the baby to God after his birth. The Lord said of Samuel: "I will raise up for myself a faithful priest, who will do according to what is in my heart and mind. I will firmly establish his house, and he will minister before my anointed one always." (1 Samuel 2:35).

'Light' is the meaning of the girl's name we picked (which is remaining a secret!).

Name meanings are really important to me. My name means 'pure' and I love it. Hubby's name means 'rock' (he is the rock Jesus built his church on!!!) and it perfectly sums him up; he is steady, thoughtful, dependable, considerate, and terribly loyal. My husband is about the most unshakeable person I know. I'm not sure I am pure (lol!!!) but my name really speaks to me of having integrity deep down, seeking the truth, and also of all that Jesus has made and is making me - who has such a tarnished past.

I love the name Samuel because of how it came to us. We chose Samuel because it fits nicely with our surname... And we wanted a 'normal' name, but also a serious name, for a boy. I looked up the meaning after we thought of it and saw it means 'God heard', which is perfect, so we knew it was for us. At the time I was starting a Bible study plan. A couple of months later, we were finally referred to the IVF clinic, and that weekend I had the story of Samuel's conception in my Bible plan. It was a complete revelation as neither of us had any idea it had anything to do with infertility! The whole thing fit so perfectly, and it made this little boy so real to me, because I knew God is intending him. And then I knew that if we have a little boy at any point, we will call him Samuel - that it is a name given to us for a son - because God heard, and He is faithful through the ages - the same God that heard and spoke to Hannah all those years ago hears and speaks to me :). To be able to dedicate my son to the Lord, and to have him grow up knowing the Lord and to stay true to Him as Samuel did, is all I would want for my son. It was quite strange reading about Samuel in the Bible because I felt I was reading about my son!!!

I love my name and I wanted a name quite like mine - quirky and old-fashioned, with a beautiful meaning - for a girl. The girl's name came to us after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing (I liked 'Connie', my hubby did not like Connie!), and when I looked up the meaning, it felt right, because 'light' is God, 'light' is Jesus, 'light' is hope, and 'light' is everything I'd wish for my daughter... That she wouldn't experience the darkness I have; that she would know the light, and be a light to others around her. Since we chose it, I keep hearing this one song called after her, and then recently a second song has popped up, so I think it is for us... But I don't feel we have had the confirmation we have had with 'Samuel', so I don't want to 'wed' myself to the name but leave it open for God (hence keeping it a secret!).

I don't know whether we'll have our babies or not, but God showed me earlier this year that they are really real and living with Him, waiting to see if they come to us or not - and that the reason they might not come is because we live in a fallen world, and not because God didn't intend for us/me to have children. And since He showed me that I have been able to see them so clearly. I really wanted to remember that they are real and commemorate their existence, even if only I know they exist, which is why I so named the blog. Even if they never come to earth, I will always remember them and think of them living with Jesus... And maybe one day we would meet in heaven, and they will be everything I hoped for them :).

Injection Tutorial

Today is CD28 and day 10 of Norethisterone! Yippee that's the final day!!!!!

Today we had our injection tutorial. It lasted half an hour and was with one of the Care nurses (who was lovely!). Doing the injection is FAR more complicated than I imagined; there are so many different steps! So glad hubby is doing them not me as his memory is really good - mine is shocking and I'd never remember it all.

He did a practise injection on me without any medication in the syringe, so the nurse could check his technique. The needle is TINY - about the smallest needle imaginable, it's smaller than a sewing pin. It's really easy to break so we have to be careful!

I am starting with Menopur injections (a 'gentle' dose due to my high antral follicle count) on CD2 of my next bleed. We have to do those daily after 3pm, and we are planning to do them at 7pm, when hubby will definitely be home from work.

On CD6 (day 5 of injections) I add in a daily Cetrodide injection. Cetrodide is used with women on a short protocol such as me. We do this at the same time as the Menopur injection.

I can choose whether to have Menopur in the stomach or thigh, and I'm going for thigh. Cetrodide has to go into the stomach so it will mean less bruising in one particular area that way.

The Menopur and Cetrodide injections are subcutaneous, which means they go into the skin, not the muscle.

I will be injecting Menopur for between 8-14 days.

My period can come any time from tomorrow, but is expected to come between 2-5 days after last Norethisterone tablet (today).

Quite excited now!!!

Small Group, IVF Progress, and My Mum

We had our small group (weekly church group) round to ours tonight for a social. It was such a privilege to cook for everyone and show them where we live; our small group has such amazing people in it and we are really blessed. After we ate we played Balderdash, which is great to play for laughs; it was really lovely to laugh and relax with everyone and to see how much our friendships have developed since we first met on the Alpha course a year ago!

One of the girls has been having trouble with her ankle; she had a tendon injury that was inhibiting her movement and stopping her from exercising. Last week at small group she had prayer for it, and this week she reported that since she received prayer, her ankle has been completely healed! God is so good!!!!

God has done amazing things in this lady's life. When she and her husband came to the Alpha course they were separated. They got back together last Christmas as a result of doing Alpha and finding faith! It's so fun to follow what God does in peoples' lives.

I am struggling a bit this week with Norethisterone side effects: hot flushes, insomnia, giant boobs (!!!) & bloating. I feel so exhausted today. My wee smelled and I had period pain last week, but that has died down now. Tomorrow is my last day on this drug and I am really excited to get off it! It really hasn't been bad apart from the last couple of days though, so pretty lucky really. I am just about the most impatient/intolerant person though, so anything that is bad in that moment is THE WORST THING EVER, and that's how I feel right now ;D.

And tomorrow we have our INJECTION TUTORIAL: so excited it is unreal. Actually, properly, getting a little bit giddy excited. I'm not quite sure why; it's only the tutorial I'm so excited about, the thoughts of the injections don't fill me with such glee - although I am surprisingly quite looking forward to that too. I used to be such a wimp about EVERYTHING (put off my BCG injection for three years, no lie!), reckon I'm getting hard as nails thanks to teeth/mental health/reproductive insanity. It probably sounds a really small thing but I am so grateful to God for taking away all that fear I had around even really small medical procedures. He makes us so free!!!

And speaking of freedom, had THE BEST time with my Mum this weekend. Having my Dad was quite stressful and I was really dreading having Mum right afterwards: we have so much bad blood between us, and we are really trying at our relationship this year, which is an amazing blessing and privilege - but also hard work. But instead my time with her was the opposite of draining, and I can really see the hard work we are putting into our relationship paying off. It makes me really emotional that she would put so much love and effort into our relationship when we have not always got on naturally and I have been such a sh*t to her over the years. I feel so hopeful for our future. This year has been the first year EVER (well, in my living memory) that we have not had a fight! And it would never just be one fight, it would be constant bickering plus a couple of really nasty arguments (at least). This year - not even a bicker. Not a single one! I would say that my relationship with my Mum is where I most see evidence of God changing my life, and changing me, because it is such a intimate and personal thing.

The Weekend & my Infertility Song

So we had my dad, stepmum, and little brother Friday evening - 4.15pm Sunday, and now my mum is here, having arrived at 5pm! It was a little hair-raising trying to rush Dad & co. out before Mum arrived: that was not part of the plan!!! Divorced parents, who'd have 'em. Dad stayed later than planned; Mum simply had to come today (of course!!!) - but in the end all worked out well and everyone is in one piece. Mum is in bed now and will be off - accompanied by her little dog - at some point tomorrow. And then it will just be us in the house again (bliss!).

My stepmum's health isn't great; it seems to be one thing after another for her recently. She is a very dear person to me; I've known her since the age of 8 and am closer to her than Dad. When I was 11, I went to church with her and decided to be a Christian when I was older. She's really different to both my parents, and provided me with another model of adulthood when I was a teenager and my relationships with my parents were really strained and awful. She's kind, generous-hearted, thoughtful, and such a support. It might be really corny but she's taught me a lot about being a woman over the years, and she's definitely a third parent rather than a step-parent!

I have barely had time to think about IVF over the weekend, which has been great, but I also haven't had much time to feel God, and miss Him. I can't believe I am on day 6 of Norethisterone now; this time next week it will all be about to begin.

We went to church this morning (hubby and me) and I really needed that time of peace in amongst all the rushing around. I had tears streaming down my face during worship, which is really unlike me!

The band started worship with what's become my 'infertility song', which was really precious. I love how God never fails to speak so painfully intimately, even in a massive crowd of people.

Three years ago, the pastor of a church we were visiting had a picture of the ICSI procedure. It was a small church and we were the only people it meant anything to; whether PGD was 'right' or not was very much on my mind, and hubby and I had been thinking about it a lot. He prayed with us about it after the service, and while he was praying, this song played. Recently, every time I hear it, I remember that prayer and that pastor, and the song is providing comfort in a whole new way. I also like this song because it came out in 2007 so it's as old as my faith, and it was one of my favourite songs when I first became a Christian :). It's called 'Everlasting God' and is played a lot in churches still.

The lyrics 'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord', and 'You lift us up on wings like eagles' are reminiscent of Isaiah 40:31, which I love:

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Updates - Am Now Up One Job!!!

IVF Update

My smear result came through normal today so we are officially good to go...

It's CD22 and day 4 on Norethisterone. Side effects so far are period cramps (lower back), smelly wee, and hot flushes. I haven't read the side effects leaflet because I freak myself out with them, and I tend to get all the side effects listed, which I figured might be psychologically induced. Hoping the period pain will die down a bit because it's pretty bad this evening and I don't fancy 6 more days of it.

Job Update

Ta-da! I have been offered a job! God is so good and amazing!!!! I so need this encouragement at the moment, and He is so good to bless me in this way! He is reminding me of His goodness with every. single. little. thing. at the moment, and I am blown away by His attention to detail and general care and love for me. It all makes me feel so safe and fearless!

The circumstances of getting the job were really obviously God as well, because there were a lot of similarities to when I last interviewed for jobs (and got my last job) - five years ago this month (five = period of grace).

I had a feeling I would get the job I did because it was the second job I interviewed for (five years ago I got the second job); I wasn't even sure whether to apply for it because instinctively - before going there - I didn't want to work there (same as with the job I got five years ago), and then when I did visit the place at interview, I loved it and really wanted to work there (same as five years ago). I had a lovely time at the first interview; the people were lovely and really put me at ease, and the place had a nice atmosphere; but I had a really strong feeling that I wouldn't get the job; something didn't feel right. It was a few too many hours; it was difficult to get to; I would have had to work Sundays, at least for a bit; and it wasn't in the area I really wanted to be in. And after the second interview I thought 'this is the job for me'. I felt a bit mad thinking all of this - why would I hear God so clearly on it? - but then it all worked out exactly as I thought He was saying, so I am beyond encouraged and grateful to Him. After I had the call to say I'd got it, my husband said he'd had a dream the night before that I got it, which really encourages us about the dream he had last weekend! The job itself seems to fit all my needs really well, and I am really excited to start!!! God is SO good! (Did I mention He is good?! Lol!)

Also I'm really encouraged because the feedback from both interviews was really good. Five years ago, the feedback I got was about how obviously nervous I was; this time I didn't feel particularly nervous at all, in either interview! It was totally blessed! I struggle so badly with nerves a lot of the time, and yet I enjoyed myself (is that crazy to say?!) in both interviews. Bonkers. Even the job I didn't get fed back so well; the lady said I was 'lovely' three times, how well they thought I'd get on with the team, how well I scored on some of the questions, how high the standard was, and how they'd encourage me to apply again. I came off the phone on a complete high, despite just having had a rejection!! She said the areas I scored low on were areas I didn't have experience of (up-selling, locking-up), and that the girl who got the job had experience in those areas. It was just such lovely feedback, I was so touched she took the effort to be so encouraging, and it has made that interview such a lovely memory to look back on.

Anyway, really rambling on a lot now, but I am just so blown away by all God has done in the past five years. He has done so much in my life and He blesses me so abundantly. The same verse   I wrote about a few months ago comes to mind (Ephesians 3:20):

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine! Honestly, why on earth do I ever doubt He can provide me with all I need? He is so surprising and so exciting.

Facebook

So I have been feeling for a while like the Lord might be asking me to deactivate my Facebook account for a bit; this week He has blatantly confirmed that. We have my dad, stepmum, and little brother staying tonight until Sunday, and then my mum staying Sunday night, so I probably won't get around to it until Monday (having had my account over 5 years I don't really feel right rushing it; I want to say goodbye - even if it's just for a bit!).

Facebook hasn't been doing me any good for a while; earlier this year when I was getting really down about being infertile, I spent a lot of time obsessing over which of my FB friends have kids yet and how old people were when they had their kids. Recently this has turned into fearing I am going to see a pregnancy announcement every time I go on. From other peoples' experiences with infertility, I know this is totally normal, but I don't want to be an obsessive and jealous person and I really need a break.

Also, more recently, I have found that my Facebook support groups (IVF PGD support group, IVF support group, general balanced translocation support group) are causing me a lot of anxiety, as I worry about all the things that can go wrong from seeing other peoples' experiences, and it is totally distracting me from having faith and trust in God. I miss the 11,22 support group (that one is very different in nature and not anxiety inducing) but it will still be there in the future!

I use the Fertility Friends forum a bit; I find it a lot easier not to get over involved with that one. I think because it is so large and has so many threads, it is easy to find one's own niche: I only follow the one thread, and that doesn't see much action, so it is very unintrusive. I have met some ladies through Fertility Friends who have been a real blessing. Last month I met up with a girl from there in person: but that is a story for another day as I am tired, and that was an exciting God thing so I want to do it justice.

Mountain-Moving Faith

In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says:

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

This verse has been on my mind a lot recently. What does it mean? What is Jesus trying to say to us?

I have read this verse quoted in books as to mean whatever we want can and will happen for us, if we just have enough faith. Just have more faith, and what you desire will come true. And that's how I've always thought of this verse as well.

Recently, my interpretation of it this way has been troubling me, and I can't get the verse out of my mind (which is a sure sign, in my book, that God's trying to get my attention about it!).

Does God really desire us to have everything we want; in this world, here and now? If we had everything we want, we would be like spoilt children, and not learn anything. I believe that God designed the world to be perfect and free of suffering, but that it is no longer like that, and that He uses the suffering we do experience to reveal His nature to us. The rest of the Bible doesn't seem to say that God is going to always miraculously make things materially better for us - but it does say that things can always be spiritually better; and that's what counts, after all.

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul doesn't tell us to pray for our situation to change, but instead to learn to be content in the situation:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Jesus himself was someone who suffered a great deal. That burden was not taken away from him. And neither does Jesus seem to want it to be, although even he has his moments of doubt.

Look what happens when Jesus wants his circumstances to be changed (Luke 22:41-43):

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

Oh, that this would be my faith! I find Jesus's vulnerability so heart-breaking in this passage. He faces death; he prays for it to be taken away from him; and yet, even in this moment, he prays 'Your will not mine'.

And when Jesus prays for circumstances to be changed, instead of this happening (and doesn't Jesus have much greater faith than a mustard-seed?), 'an angel appears and strengthens him'. The mission is not changed, but Jesus is able to take it on.

This is exactly what the Lord has been speaking to me about recently, through Matthew 17:20. Every time that verse comes to mind, the niggling thought accompanies it: what if the mountain-moving isn't a change of mission (which will happen exactly as God plans it, no matter what I pray), but a change of heart? Isn't that more of a mountain for God to move - to strengthen us to be content in the circumstances facing us?

This verse has really been strengthening my faith lately. I know that, even if this PGD doesn't work out as I'd like, and - like Jesus - I pray for someone else's lot instead, I can ask God to change my heart. Nothing is impossible for Him, and nothing is unbearable with Him.

Updates

IVF Progress

It's CD18 (cycle day 18): I started Norethisterone this moring.

Really feeling very unprepared and nervous at the moment! Stepping forward in faith, and that means more than it ever has done before. Been listening to lots of worship music (and singing embarrassingly loudly) while doing the washing up and cooking, keeping up with daily Bible study as often as possible, and also have started a lovely book called 'The Father Heart of God'. All of these things are really helping me to chill out, relax, and keep my focus where it needs to be.

Had my thyroid function results back yesterday; my TSH level is 0.19, which is a little low, so Maha (our consultant at Care) has recommended dropping my thyroxine dose from 100mg to 75, and then retesting blood in a month (when I will be in the middle of cycling.... Whaaaaaat?! How did that come round so quickly?!).

Also had a smear test last Wednesday; waiting on results of that as final OK that we are good to go ahead with this cycle. Clinics like you to be up to date on smears before doing IVF treatment.

Other Updates

I had one job interview last Friday and another one this morning (2 different jobs). The one last Friday was my first for five years, and I was sooooo nervous! Less nervous than when I started volunteering last year though, and I think a lot less nervous than the job interviews I had five years ago, so that was really good and reassuring. I'm waiting to hear sometime today about the first job, and tomorrow about the second job. It would be really nice to have a new job to start to take my mind off treatment, and both are part-time and would fit really well around hospital visits, but I am totally trusting God with this one. The last job I did (I can't believe I started that five years ago now!) was so perfect and divinely appointed that it was actually one of the things that started me believing in Him, so it's a lot easier, and comes much more naturally to me, to trust Him with jobs than trusting Him with our future family does.

With both job interviews, my hubby has prayed for me the night before, and I have really appreciated that and have found it helps me sleep a lot better and generally feel a lot calmer. I was a bit more freaked out today than I was on Friday, because today's interview coincided with starting Norethisterone, which makes IVF seem so real, so I went to the loo just before the interview, thanked Jesus that we can call on him, and welcomed the Holy Spirit's presence... I instantly felt so calm, and now that the interview is over, I feel a bit better about impending IVF as well.

Our little doggy has also been under the weather for a few days; he has a nasty cut to his face which he has been scratching and licking incessantly, so we are getting him a cone this evening! Poor little dude!

Happy-Sad

Earlier, hubby and I took the dogs (we have Mum's dog staying at the moment, hence the plural) for a walk. We kept intersecting paths with this same couple out walking with their primary-aged kids. One of the little girls called, "Mummy!", and ran to catch her mother up.

Watching this family, I thought, "This is so normal to them. They're just walking about and this is everyday life. Having children is as normal for them as having a dog is for us."

And when the little girl called 'Mummy', I thought, "Will that ever be me? Will I be 'Mummy' one day?"

This is such a strange time. We have so much to be happy and thankful for, and I am noticing that every day at the moment; much more than I normally do. I feel lucky. Everybody has things that aren't as they'd plan them in their lives. So I wouldn't plan to be infertile. I'm still an incredibly lucky person. I met, fell in love with, and married the love of my life; all in my early 20s. That's pretty darn lucky. I'm part of an exciting, exciting church; and I follow an exciting, exciting Jesus. I had some inheritance, so we were able to buy a house. We didn't even have to scrimp and save to do so, the money was just there. And I have the cutest little dog in the world.

I am so thankful for the basic things, the things I take for granted: I'm white, I'm educated, I'm middle class, I was born in England, our healthcare is paid for. I worry that we can't conceive - not that I will be raped, catch AIDS, die in childbirth, or that my child won't have enough to eat. We have more than enough food every day, and that's something I take for granted. We have clean water on tap. We have enough money to live comfortably. I am free to marry the man I choose, and I am free to be a Christian. I have opportunities, and I have options. My life is very much my own.

The world is a beautiful, beautiful place for me. I am lucky enough to enjoy it, and, as I said, I feel lucky at the moment. Really, truly, incredibly lucky and blessed.

But at the same time, there's this sadness. I have everything I need. But I can't do everything I am biologically intended to and designed for. I love my husband, I love children, but I can't give him a child.

I'll get over it, if I have to. I feel sure of that at the moment. If it's not to be for us, it won't kill me. So I don't feel panicky, desperate, or engulfed - as I did earlier in the year, and in the years immediately after learning about the translocation.

BUT. But. I feel sad. I'm grateful for the things I have, I recognise that they vastly outnumber and outweigh the things that I do not have, and I mourn the things I do not have. Sometimes, I mourn the loss of my teens and early adulthood; the years I spent battling with my mental health. I'm grateful things are better now. But I mourn the loss of life I had during those years and the impact that has on my life. And I mourn the babies. Oh, I mourn the babies.

Whether we are able to have a family or not, our lives will never be the same; will never be unaffected by my infertility. And so I accept it; I talk about it; I even embrace it as part of me. It wasn't chosen... And yet, it is welcome. You see, had I not had the mental health battles, I would not be the person I am now: maybe not have met my husband, not have questioned my conditions of worth, not have faith. I'm very glad to have those things.

And so, this unchosen passenger is welcome, here, with me.

Happy-sad.

Dreams and Prophecy

I love dreams; recording them, remembering them, interpreting them.

Every so often, I will have a really vivid dream that will have a huge impact on my life. Throughout my teens and while I was at university, I had a recurring dream about going into labour. In this dream, I wouldn't know I was pregnant until shortly before going into labour. Aside from the world ending, labour was my biggest fear when I was younger (funny how life turns out!), so this dream was really a nightmare. I would go into labour, but never have the baby.

My first counsellor thought this dream was about putting a lot of effort into something but not getting anything out. This made a lot of sense to me, as I would get it when I was particularly stressed about academic work. Generally in my life when I was younger, I would put a lot of effort into things but not see results, because I would get so stressed out that I'd stop functioning.

I had the same dream summer 2011 (I haven't had it since, and hadn't had it in a few years), but in the dream I had the baby. The feeling from the dream was one of immense relief. I took that as reassurance that it was indeed time to go back to studying. And studying did go so much better than at any time in my life before - my grades were so much better, and I found it easy generally to actually finish assignments.

But then, in the spring, I started to get the same feeling - stressing out too much to actually get any work done, and I realised I based so much of how I saw myself on being able to finish my degree and on the grades I got. And it was like a prison.

And then of course in August the Lord spoke to me about letting go of it. And doing so has brought so much joy and freedom into my life.

I don't think I was wrong about the dream last summer. I think it was time to go back - I was ready to learn the lesson I needed to.

But the subject matter of the dream - the struggle to give birth to a baby - seems basically prophetic about the real struggle of my early adulthood. And it seems, looking back, that while I associated the dream with academic struggle, really the dream is telling me to focus on something else, and what my journey would be.

Last night hubby and I both dreamt of babies being born. My husband is dreaming fairly often about babies at the moment. These dreams, last night, are the first dreams I can think of in which names have been given to babies, and in which that has been the focus of the dream. For both of us to dream of baby names at the same time seems really significant!

He dreamt we had a baby boy and called it 'Rex'. Apparently it was born red and I said it looked like my little brother when born (he was also born red - cooked too long!). 'Rex' means 'King', which is so reassuring: reminding me that the Lord is the Lord of birth, and that He is king over this whole area of our life.

I dreamt that one of my bridesmaids (who got engaged this year) and her other half had a baby boy and called him 'Graeme'. In the dream I was jealous that she was the first of our uni house (she and I lived with another girl) to have a baby, but it was also what I expected, as she has been with her OH so long and is such a down-to-earth and homely person. Our other uni housemate and I went to see the baby, we were both on our way somewhere. And I talked to her about her labour, which was three days (but she carried on as normal for all but the last day - dream world is great!), and for pain relief she had a shot of pethidine. I can't think why that labour stuff is significant, but it was there in the dream so I thought I best write it down.

I googled 'Graeme', and apparently it means 'gravel' or 'grey homestead'.

'Grey' has been a bit of a theme for me this week; I already looked it up in my dream book ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen) for a picture I had at small group last Wednesday: it means  'confusion', 'uncertainty', 'vague', 'hidden'. And I'm thinking this dream is about confusion in all kinds of areas of my life: will I have a job and/or a baby; and where are we going to live, and when? I'm also confused about prophecy: I'm not sure where the various pictures and words around IVF and babies we have had through our journey are going to take us, and I'm not sure whether I can trust my ability to hear God, and deep down I am not sure whether I can trust God, and I feel that is really being put to the test through this trial.

I looked up 'gravel', and it has a positive and a negative meaning:

Positive - to lay a strong foundation in a ministry or a person's life.
Negative - bitterness, without joy; gravel is a symbol of something that is bitter or unpleasant. ('Keys to Unlock Your Dreams', Barbara Claassen.)

This speaks to me about everything I have been feeling about this situation we are in of being infertile and choosing IVF: I can approach it with bitterness and without joy, or I can allow it to form a strong foundation in my life and try to joyfully accept the lessons the Lord teaches me through it.

In the book, there is also a verse alongside 'gravel'; Luke 3:16:

John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire."

And that comforts me that the Holy Spirit is working in me at the moment, and it also speaks to me of this 'trial by fire' we are in at the moment: fire burns off what is unnecessary, it refines. Sometimes things are really painful, but it is all Jesus.

My dream speaks to me about this being a really confusing time - for our home, for our family - and also about the choice I have to make within that confusion. It reminds me that I don't have to worry; Jesus is 'more powerful than I': I am not fit to untie his shoelaces. It speaks of the importance of this time, it's testing and refining nature, and the 'strong foundation' it will lay in my life. I had a dream about a gravelly path earlier this year; that was about not doing things in my own strength; and this dream seems to link in with that.

My hubby's dream also reminds us that we don't have to worry: this may be a time of confusion, but it will pass, because He is King of all, and of this really intimate moment in our lives. It speaks also of Jesus's power and kingship over the situation. All will come good.

Six years ago I dreamed a dream

Nothing much to report, IVF-wise. We are in a lull at the moment, not taking any particular medications. I am loving it :). I'm finding it really easy to switch off and forget it's all happening - am loving 'savouring the moment' (a phrase my counsellor loves!) and taking the time to enjoy all that we have together. I feel really OK about IVF at the moment. I feel OK knowing that this may lead to a child or it may not. I feel OK knowing that things might happen that I do not understand. I feel able to trust God in the way that I used to, and am really enjoying being in a good place with Him. I feel close to Him again, and that is the most important thing for me. Feeling distant from Him over the summer was like losing a limb, all felt so wrong with the world.

The feeling of hope I wrote about last week hasn't left. I've really enjoyed it's presence; it's like a curtain has been lifted, and I can see through to all the stuff beyond, which is all sparkly and lovely. I am standing in the open doorway to a jewellers, and everything inside is already mine. The future seems really exciting, and I'm not thinking anywhere near as much as usual about whether we will have children or not. I am thinking about it, in relation to IVF and the fact that we are about to undergo our first cycle, but I've stopped obsessing all the time about whether I am going to be 'picked' to have children. It no longer feels like waiting to see if I've made the team. I've already made the team. I've already got the good stuff.

It's almost exactly six years at the moment since this whole journey began. That's important to me. Six years ago, I was sick, wondering if I had a brain tumour or MS, and wondering what my life was going to look like. I was so scared. I didn't know God, and I didn't feel loved. I read a book called 'The Time Traveller's Wife'; I stayed up all night to finish it; and God planted the desire in my heart to bear a child. I didn't know Him then, but that sweet and precious moment was as magnificently Him as anything since.

I didn't not want to have children because I don't like children, or didn't yearn to be a parent. I didn't not want children primarily because I was afraid of labour, or because I was worried about the genetic condition I knew I carried, although these both played a part. I didn't want to create children because I was brought up to believe that the world is coming to an end, well within my lifetime, and I was very angry that my parents, believing this, had chosen to have my brothers and me. When I looked at my half-brother, who's ten years younger, I didn't understand how anyone could choose to create something so innocent knowing what they did about our world. At this time I believed the things my father taught absolutely.

I always wanted to parent. I guess that started when my half-brother came along - I had no idea the depth of love I could feel. He is and always has been so special to me, and to all our family. So I had this deep desire to parent, combined with a sense of anger about the world (and the choices my parents had made) and a passion for social justice, and I decided I would adopt. That way I wouldn't be responsible for bringing the life into this broken world. I was actually terrified of falling pregnant and going into labour long before I was sexually active. My whole life was a mess of fear.

And so, when God planted that dream in my head, it said so much more than 'Seek to bear a child'. It said, 'It's ok to dream', and specifically, 'It's ok for you to dream'. It said, 'You don't have to punish yourself for the sins of the world'. It said, 'You have a hope and a future' (because, ultimately, my choice not to have children came out of a belief that there was no future for me at all). It said, 'Walk with me'.

When I had this special moment with God about bearing my own child - during which I saw a vision of a little boy, toddler age - I was still completely uneducated about the condition I carry. I didn't even know it's name! And so, as a result of this hope and vision, I asked to be referred for genetic counselling.

Eight months after that moment with God, I found out that the odds of me having an affected pregnancy were 1/2, and my world fell apart. That tentative hope I had been offered had been snatched away, and it was worse - much, much worse - than not having it at all. Everything changed, and everything grew much darker. I lost hope.

Over the years since that initial moment with God six years ago, I have tried to walk away and give up hope so many times. Each time, I have been offered a morsel; an offer so supernatural I remember God, and remember that this is not in my hands. He has spoken to us (and particularly to me alone - which is important to me, as I was the one to doubt the procedure) so clearly, and in so many ways, about doing IVF PGD that I have to trust and keep walking. Maybe we will have a child, and maybe we won't. But either way, I know that the only hope I have ever been offered is in the Lord. For the girl who had no hope, making that decision is a no-brainer. I go where He takes me, and I trust in His ways. Who am I to think I would have no life without children, or no hope without children? He gave me hope from dust and ashes before!

When I think back over the journey I've been on these long six years, I am reminded of how little hope rests in our physical circumstances. Six years ago, the world was just opening up for me, and yet I had never known hope. It took a miracle for me to taste hope - a drastic intervention by Jesus in my life. My physical circumstances may change with time, but nothing can take away that hope Jesus gave me. He will always be.

Hopelessness Scorned

IVF Progress

So last time I wrote was four days ago, and I was waiting for AF to arrive... Well, the very next morning, she showed up (three days after last Pill)! This was such a relief - I have had problems with not getting a withdrawal bleed at all on the Pill before. I am probably the only person who is really happy to get a period every and any time it arrives - I feel like a real woman, lol! At the moment I am even happier than usual to see it, as it means our cycle is going as hoped.

So on day 1 of AF I phoned the clinic as requested, and am now drug free until 09/10 (day 18 of this cycle) when I start Norethisterone, for at least 10 days. On 18/10 (day 10 of N'one) we have been booked in for our injection tutorial.

All this means I have some idea in my mind when everything major is likely to happen, and we can begin to plan around this a little bit. I worked out likely dates on the calendar, and realised - this time in TWO MONTHS we will be completely, 100% done with cycle 1!!! Not very long at all!

I am so nervous about it all, but also very ready to get on with life, and see what is going to happen already :). Life is a bit on hold at the moment and I am excited that we are moving forward.

Hopelessness to Hope

So today I went to meet up with a lady who is I guess what you might call a spiritual mentor to me. She has helped me a lot over the past year; really encouraged me in my walk with Jesus. I have only met her a handful of times, yet my life has been completely transformed in many ways by knowing her - the ways I talk to and listen to God have broadened, my confidence in my ability to hear from God has grown exponentially, and I recognise gifts in myself I would never have recognised alone.

It was very encouraging to meet up with her today. I haven't seen her for maybe six months, and a lot has been going on for me, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, during this time, and it was really good to catch her up on what has been going on and hear her feedback that she thinks I have been fighting well and growing... As when times are dark and confusing I find it hard to discern whether things are going 'well' or not. The past few months I have felt mainly like I am stabbing in the dark every day, hoping I am pleasing God and that all will turn out 'all right', but everything has felt like such a muddle.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

The Merton Prayer

I hope I will look back on this period in a few months or years and understand what it was building up to and how I grew and changed in anticipation of that during this time. But often at the moment, things God is asking me to do - stop studying, re-start weekly counselling, delaying IVF for iron levels - feel like stepping backwards. I know that I can't be stepping backward whilst I am walking forwards... But still, the things I anticipated happening this year haven't happened. We can't afford to move at the moment - although we hoped to be putting the house on the market before Christmas. We can't afford to go to New Zealand to visit our friends. I hope we will get to do these things in the future, and that God has the perfect time planned out. 

Bearing in mind all these things I perceive to be setbacks, it was really refreshing and encouraging to hear from this lady that she sees such definite growth, and also that she thinks I have been hearing from God really clearly. It is hard to be in the middle of a period of such fighting and confusion, but as long as I am doing what God is asking of me, I trust that all will come good in the end.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Romans 8:28 

R finished by praying for me, especially during IVF, and she prayed for 'hope'... And when she did, I had this revelation that what afflicts me is a spirit of hopelessness. During the period between God's revelation to me that Pete and I would marry (two years before we did and a year before our engagement) I struggled so much with hopelessness. Once we were married, it was the most wonderful, blessed relief... But now, as we have been building up to IVF, it has come back, and I literally cannot - physically, spiritually, emotionally - believe anything good is going to happen to me... And in this instant, God showed me this is because I actually cannot hope or believe, because of this spirit of hopelessness.

So I am planning to have some chats with God about this over the next few days, and see what He tells me to do about it. I'm excited that He revealed this, because I know it must be because He wants me to tackle it... And things will change :).

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31